it's been terrential rains
all day yesterday and it's about to start again
the world is suddenly a grey place,
morning does not come in this weather and the cats sleep all day
the rooster from the community garden doesn't crow

i sip coffee with chocolate soy milk floating in it
and read "white oleander" and wonder why i feel so much like this girl
with the mother in jail for murder, this girl forced out into life at age 12 to be the perpetual foster kid

so many people coming and going from my life right now
doors closing
some for awhile
some forever

my heart opening in some sort of rushed agony
then closing again
like contractions
giving birth to a child that never comes
come, come already
but always seems like its there
waiting

the silence floats in this room
a layer of charcoal cashmere
it lays over me
warms me
restricts me
leaves me comfortable and pensive
but trapped

who am i today
five years have elapsed since my last cup of coffee
a decade since the sun warmed these eyelids

but it's here
yes, it is
the faintest notes
the tenderest music
i can hear it
cutting through the silence like a prayer

this mother's lullaby

all will be fine my sweet darling
go back to sleep
it was just a dream
just a dream
mommy loves you
you are so very loved