I put up a shortened version of this rant some years back
but decided to beef it up and post again since so many pals are visiting the big apple these days, here goes...

My friends call me the quintessential
New Yorker

Yes, I admit I moved here from Jersey when I was 16, but honey trust me, after 27 years, I’m as hard core a New Yorker as they come, besides no one in New York City is actually from NYC..well okay a few, but they’re as rare as nice lawyers.

Here’s why the whole quintessential tag comes in, because I’m….

Jewish- spiritually, culturally but umm I actually only actually drag my butt or shall I say tuchas into a synagogue 2 to 3 times a year on the high holdays and then only because I have a terrible fear of forgetting how to read to Hebrew which I had to suffer through 13 years of Hebrew school to get down and well ya know just in case any of this stuff turns out to be true. So yea, I’m what they call a high holiday jew. I know all the rules. A NYC bagel is never spread with cream cheese. It is given a shmear. It is illegal to eat smoked salmon on a bagel without a slice of red onion, optional but still recommended is the slice of tomato too. Kosher pastrami is always better then non-kosher and must always be eaten on rye bread with mustard. Only a tourist, not to mention a gentile would eat pastrami on white bread or with mayo.

Neurotic- I have no idea why they say this maybe they have a tumor from the dust mites in their apartments crawling into their brain. I do feel that negative energy can be sucked in by your air conditioner, so it’s important to keep the filter clean. No way to know how many serial killer coodys might have been sucked in by your AC.

Fast- well I would explain this to you but I just don’t have the time.

Bitchy- screw you if you don’t think so.

Eccentric- what you find something weird about orange sneakers and black leather as dinnerware? Depends on where you go to dinner now doesn’t’ it. I personally like to dine in trailer park cuisine establishments. I also like to continue with a long family tradition and talk to dead relatives. Sue me if you don’t like it.

Cool- well of course darling- that’s firmly established- sexy too if I do say so myself. For years I used to skulk around the west village smoking cigars and humming 70’s rock classics what could be cooler then that? Oh right that goes in the eccentric folder.

Color blind- the color wheel for clothing consists of black, grey, olive and blue only as a jean..anything else except of course for orange sneakers is an atrocity. Saffron was only recently allowed into the Manhattan color wheel but it must always be offset by black and or beige.

Schizoid- well listen the writer side of me is busy right now and later on the painter side is busy and after that the chef side is busy call me later when im feeling like a therapist.

Ambitious- cause if you want to live in Ma-Ha-Tan..you need to bring in the green..
I could always get my passport stamped and move to gasp…. An outer boro…but
No..no…better to dine on bread and water in the east village, then pheasant under glass in queens- sorry I just don’t want to leave the island. So in order to stay here one must always strive, strive , strive to bring home the gelt! I spend about as much time sitting still as Richard Simmons.

Cheesy- my good pal from Miami pointed out- she’d never seen so much cheese consumed as the time she visited my soiree but it’s a thing wine and cheese for all occasions.. this is up there with two other nyc traditions- Chinese delivery food at midnight and cold hangover pizza for breakfast.. I took hanging with a flordian for me to realize how much cheese a typical Manhattanite devours, but hey, every culture has its cuisine. New Yorkers just happen to have about 50 of them.

War torn- lemme tell you bout Crown Heights in 1981 baby—if the muggers didn’t get ya the wild dogs would---. These days there are two kinds of New Yorkers, pre-911 or post 911. Pre 911 New Yorkers remember what the city used to be like when it was rough. We don’t miss the crime but we do miss the edge. We remember when Union Square park was a sea of heroin, when Time Square was sex and sin square. We watched front row, when those bastards attacked our towers, we were out there with shovels, and thermometors, giving blood, feeding the fire workers, digging out body parts, doing whatever it took. We don’t say it out loud, but pre-911 New Yorkers largely consider post 911 New Yorkers to be pussies.

Tough- f-you, your mother, your mother’s mother and your mothers fathers mother!

Charming- yo mo fo forgetaboutit

Loyal-yo, don’t mess with my pal, she’s my sister and you mess with my sister you mess with me mo fo

Excellent traffic curser- you prickless prick, move your f-ing ass, mo fo bastard!

And lastly and mostly-
Creative- I would like to show you my display of head-less Ken dolls impaled into a large melon..i call this…melon balls..

Now that I have established that I am a Quintessential New York mama and therefore qualified to dole out advice to non New Yorkers or new post 911 New Yorkers.. I have the following pearls of wisdom to share with any who are planning on visiting or moving to the big apple..

1) Do not ask anyone for directions between the hours of 8:00 and 9:00 AM or 5 and 6:00. PM As the mass 9 to 5ers enroute to or from work will trample you like a hord of elephants to an imposing ant, for daring to slow them down in either of these lethal directions. If you simply must ask during this dreaded time frame then for the love of god do not do so, while standing in the way of a subway entrance or a taxi cab. You’ll be way dead. Ask a cop, they’re paid to be annoyed.

2) Put away your pretty colorful clothing especially anything with pink in it and just wear a variety of shades of black and blue. Colorful clothing are offensive to the New Yorkers eyes. They are the reason why so many of us have to wear sun-glasses even at night. You can actually cause a hardened new Yorker to go blind with the right blend of fuchia.

3) Try to learn how to speak in short sentences that last no longer then one or two seconds. New Yorkers have an internal drum beat in their head that causes their brains to explode if they have to listen to a statement that takes longer then two heart beats to say. I myself have almost succumbed many a time to this fate. Its why I avoid the mid-west.

4) Sell your home, your car, your IRA plan, cash in your stocks and bonds, empty out your bank account, sell your jewelry and then maybe you’ll have enough for a down payment on a studio apartment on a 6th floor walk up, sold as a fixer upper in Chinatown.

5) Do not ever go to a bar or restaurant and snap your fingers to get your waiter’s attention, or worse yet, yell yoo hoo. Should you get the waiter’s attention after this, they will most likely spit in your food. Little side note here..New York is a heavy spitting community. We recognize spit as an exclamation point to a sentence. Yo she was so nasty I wouldn’t tap that if you paid me. Followed by a big hocking spit.

6) Houston Street is pronounced HOWSTON, not Hu ston.

7) When taxis have their off duty light on this means they are really on duty but don’t want to leave Manhattan. If you manage to flag them down don’t tell them you’re going to Brooklyn, they will just drive away. Say you’re going downtown. Then when you get in the cab, say Downtown Brooklyn. While this will get you the cab it may also get you killed. To soften the blow immeditately offer the driver a 20 buck tip.

8) Speaking of tips, if you can’t afford to tip 20% you shouldn’t be in the restaurant. This is one of the most expensive cities in the friggen universe and the service industry works on tips. If you’re bill is a hundred bucks you better be throwing down a twenty honey or just dine on hot dog carts and Korean deli salad bars that’s about as real a NY cuisine as you get anyway.

9) Oh my lovely pal M learned this the hard when, when he came here from Europe. When a New Yorker asks, How are you? They don’t really want to know. First of all the very fact that they can’t take the time to say How Are You and instead ask Howaya? Is a giveway. M spent the first few months he was in NYC horrifying people by actually taking the time to say, well today I’m fine, but yesterday not so good as the poor Nyer who had asked him, turned bright red and began the process of imploding. If you don’t want to dole out annurisms like candy. Just answer with the appropriate, FINE and keep moving.

10) Lastly and certainly not least. Never, ever, ever, stare into the eyes of people on the subway. While New Yorkers value having the balls to make eye contact when in conversation, the subway is different. In this underground world, all people, rich poor, yuppies, homeless become equal and the price aside from the money to ride are the rules. Do not stare into the soul of your fellow straphanger and never ever make polite conversation. Its bad enough to be shoved in like a sardine with a hundred sweaty people, but if you then open your mouth and say, “hey where are you on your way too,” you will probably get a briefcase shoved in your groin and more importantly you will deserve it.

Well darlings, there you have it a travel advisory from a downtown New Yorker. So come visit us here in Ma ha tan. So long as you don’t slow us down, we’ll gladly take your money! It’s the big apple. Take a bite.