Saturday, May 31
okay so how many of you have seen "Donnie Darko"?
am I the only one who only just saw it for the first time last night?
i mean holy macaroni
that flick is intense
someone shoulda told me not to watch it right before bed
i went to sleep and had the strangest dreams
i dreamt i went out for a walk
attempting for some reason to walk all the way to texas
and wound up in paris
and i kept saying to people
when they told me i was in paris
that you cant walk to paris
theres like um oceans involved
and they were like
yeah you can
i wound up in paris
but it seemed like i stepped back in time
hence the donnie darko influence
wasn't sure of the time
but it felt sometimes like the 1970s
and sometimes like the 1940s
i wound up falling into a whirlwind affair
with an older adrogynous woman
who looked a bit like the hotty Trinity from the matrix
plus about 20 years
still a hottie
but with character
and a french accent
we're having this affair and sipping coffee (see im dreaming of coffee)
in cafes's and sipping wine (see im dreaming about wine) at night
and making l'amour
and everything is just dandy
my former life is completly out of my mind
until my significant other in real life "LA CUBANA"
shows up to take me home
then im all confused
cause i felt that my life was a dream
and the dream a reality
and not entirely sure i want to leave this magical paris of yesteryear
not to mention the older trinity
and in the dream im pondering all of this
and both the hotty trinity
and my hotty cubana
are fighting over me
not a bad place to be i assure you
but ultimately i
decide to go back home
and now i have to go to queens
and cook 80 pounds of beef
and 60 pounds of salmon
for a wedding
no wonder i wanted to escape
if you havent seen donnie darko
but dont see it right before bedtime
Friday, May 30
things that make me go aaaaaaaaa
since i was so bright and bubbly yesterday
(think Marsha from the bradys..when they were in their singing faze...everybody's laughing...it's a sunshine daaayaaayyy)
man am i showing my age now
oh now' wait
i only discovered the bradys on re-runs yeah yeah that's it
since i was perky
i thought it was a fitting chaser
that for today
i would let loose
once again with my list of things
i really really hate
so here goes
you may want to stand back a foot
I HATE MIKE TYSON!
can somebody tell me why this masogonist pumped up, canibalistic
super prick is still in the news?
he and his stupid tattoo should be gathering dust in the you're so gross even the game shows dont want you loser club
right next to milly vanilli, OJ simpson and dan quale
that latest public comment with him saying he wants to rape
his victim and her mom you know the ones who were so mean because they
turned him in after ...a rape...
oh my god how could anyone do that to iron mike
bust him for rape
why hes a god he should be allowed to rape to his heart's content
the only rape he should get is on the receiving end
from a big fat prison king named bubba
I HATE MAYOR BLOOMBERG
this guy is so useless
how did he build a kazillion dollar corporation for himself
but he cant do squat for nyc
lets see he got elected to boost our economy
instead he targets smoking
and cuts the revenue from bars in nyc by 20 to 30%
he raises property tax so high no one wants to buy
he fires cops just when the crime seems to be going back up
hey BLOOMY!! rudy g is gone
yeah the big man has left the building
so the yahoos are coming back out
nows the time to keep the cops on the beat not send them packing!
obviously he just wanted to be mayor cause..you know
hes a rich spoiled brat and it seemed like fun
(woohoo let's play mayor with barbie and ken)
and has no interest in getting re-elected
but in the meanwhile
hes ruining NYC
do us all a favor
and drop dead
if you're been reading my site
i don't think i need to mention
my hatred for
arafat do I?
what's there to say about him that hasn't already said
you've heard it all before I'm sure
he's cowardly, murderous, two-faced, an enemy of the israelis and the palestinians, a spine-less cockroach, a militant pig, a blight on humanity..
maybe this did need re-saying
i also have a little itty bitty issue
but that's just because his voice irritates me
nothing personal against the guy
he just sounds like he's talking from inside the trunk of a car
nothing else bothers me today
except of course
for soy coffee
what the hell do they put in that stuff??
tastes like a blend of tree trunks and dirt
now back to your scheduled programming
Thursday, May 29
sunshine and roses
rain drops on roses and whiskers on kittens
warm something something
tied up with strings
these are a fewwwwww of my favorite thingsssssss
i'm so happy the sun came out i could just plotz
wait a minute
i am plotzing
after the world's longest, wettest winter
including a full fledged snow storm in spring
a memorial day weekend that was like what in the 40's?!
and a week of dismal rain that made me feel like i was stuck
in a bad week in seattle
seeing that orange yellow goodness coming out this mawnin
just made me feel perky and bubbly all over
i ran up to the roof and greeted the nuclear (or as george bush would say NUCULAR) size bumble bees with a defiant
buzz me if you can mo fo
i had turkey burgers at 6th and A and watched the freaks
and the posers pretending to be freaks walk by
i went down to the bowery and haggled over spatulas and stove tops grills
with a wiry little asian man who nodded yes but charged me full price all the same
i traipsed (how the hell do you spell that word?) around alphabet city smiling at the children, dogs, birds, homeless people and grunge kids..
ah the sun is out
the sun is out
the sun is out
back to being a bitch again
did i scare ya?
scared myself man
im trembling in my
Wednesday, May 28
rudolph the red nosed bitch
so for those who want an update
on my homeopathic anti-allergy
diet from hell
ive been on the %$#^&&* thing for um 12 weeks now
12 WEEKS OF NO COFFEE
12 WEEKS OF NO SUGAR
12 WEEKS OF NO BOOZE
12 WEEKS OF NO RED MEAT
and guess what?
my nose still looks as red and swollen
as rudolph on a coke binge
ok ok ill admit
ive lost 8 pounds
got more energy
less hormonal well lets just say stuff.. ok?
but i still have the %$#^&&@ allergies
my doctor tested my blood again
(no buffy in this vampire tale)
and determined that i needed to be on this detox for another
ive gone this far
im gonna stick with it
if no other reason than to
have a good reason to commit suicide if this doesnt work
also all this masochism is saving me a fortune on SM bars
on other news
already getting some nice feedback from the memoir-able
i do do do do-do (hmm never mind)
enjoy your feedback
because im a co-dependant freak
who relies on the compliments of others
for my self worth
im having some green tea (BORING!)
and a wheat free, sugar free muffin (BORING!)
and thinking of you (EXCITING!)
Monday, May 26
memoirable numero uno
OLA!!! Chickitas and ummm Chickitos?
the first memoir in the "Memoirable" of the week series is up
thanks to a little (LOT) of help from LA Matrix
Jillmatrix (see link) who masterminded the logo and even coined the name
I love that woman
La matrix is also my editrix
actually that's how we met
she was the editor and i was a columnist for a now defunct college web site
the web site sucked
but it started the beginning of what may well be
a life long collaboration
what ya think about that LA MATRIX
it’s a cool team
I must say
I write and as im sure many of you have figured out
with an utter disregard for spelling for and punctuation and um that thing called grammar
and she edits to try and fix my utter disregard for spelling, punctuation and grammar
we make a great team
anyway the first piece is up
its the one about my life amongst the chasids
so check it out
and please come back to mama
and tell me what you thought
la matrix hooked it up
so you can bookmark the memoirs as a separate link
if you want to be fancy
or just keep it under rossirant and click
on the word
“memoirable” whenever you want to check it out
so ill shut up now
this is cool
oh for those who might be as blonde as i am
trust me im way blonde when it comes to technology
click on the thick black word "memoirable"
and youll go right into the new site
if only my life were that easy
i wouldn't have character
Sunday, May 25
rebel with a cause
some of you who read my essay in Jewsweek.com
may know that I’ve had a past that includes being dropped off at the age of 16 to live amongst the Chasidics of crown heights Brooklyn
my parents found a young rabbi and his family who specialized in taking in
what they called
"wayward Jewish girls"
10 years later after escaping crown heights
i returned to try to figure out who i was then
and who it had made me become
i felt that i wrote my "Return to Kingston Avenue" memoir with a lot of love in my heart..but with also a lot of honesty.
I first read this piece on WNYE on a show called "Anything Goes" sponsored by the New York Board of Education. It's a great show and I've read on it about 5 times but never got calls afterward.
When I read this piece women called the station and asked if they could speak with me.
I called them. One of them was a young Chasidic woman who was living a double life. By day she wore long skirts and obeyed the strict rules of chasidus, by night she escaped to manhattan where she would pull on Levi’s and hang out with her christian and non religious jewish friends.
She told me that she had never read anyone's story who had been part of the inside of chasidus and then walked out of it and wrote the tale. My story gave her courage.
She explained to me that if she found the courage to tell her family and community her decision to no longer be "FRUM" religious, she would be ostracized and kicked out of her family and circle of friends. This was something she could not bear.
So she kept up the secret.
I worried for her. She sounded desperate and frightened and tried to find words of encouragement for her.
This is something i never had to go through as i was not born into chasidus and the bulk of my friends and family were not part of this.
I only pretended to go along with the ultra religiousness as a way to survive.
but i did feel the sharp painful sting of being branded in a "scarlet letter" sorta way and watching all the smiling faces of people who had shown affection for me
turn to stone.
When my story ran on jewsweek It was on the cover for about 6 weeks and then shown in the archives for about 6 months or so. My editor there forwarded me the mail I received.
A few letters from men and women who had left ultra orthodox and or chasidus
and were writing to thank me for telling my story.
But what mostly what came were letters from people amongst the ultra orthodox and chasidic world who denounced me as a nut, a druggy, a traitor.
One rabbi wrote,"You must have been on drugs at the time, how else could you think these things."
Many directed me to immediately submerge myself in religiousness to purify my
The odd thing was that this story i wrote was sugar coated. I had taken out the most graphic and horrible things I saw in my days in crown heights. I tried to write them, but then I heard my mother's voice in my head,
"Don't air the dirty laundry in public."
"It's bad for the jews."
and i remembered that the words of jews like some other minorities
are often used by anti-Semites as fuel..
so i admit i went back
and softened the blow
sugar coated my story just a little
tried to find the love in my heart that i feel for Israel
and for my mother
and used that force to write my story
and still the hate mail came
i felt grateful that these people did not know where i lived
or my real email
and i felt sad
that the Chasidic world
is so closed
and so unforgiving
to those who might simply speak the truth about their experiences
that is why
i am presently feeling blown away
by something i have just found
or hasidic however you prefer to spell it
man who is still a practicing chasid
who is so deeply submerged in his community that were they to find out he
rents videos from blockbuster
who would be denounced
in every way
this man has a personal web site
and speaks very simply the truth about his life
its called Hasidic rebel aptly named..
you must check it out
when i begin my memoir of the week series
thanks to lots of enthusiasm
on your part
i will run
return to kingston avenue
actually i think this will the first piece i run
ill let you judge for yourself whether
i should have been denounced or not
a world without honesty is no good to any of us
i met with lots of loving wonderful deeply spiritual and uplifting people amongst the chasids
and i met with some frightening hypocrites
i think its just as important to speak the truth about the bad apples
as it is to herald the good ones
living behind a black curtain
is not good for any of us
thanks hasidic rebel
for inspiring me with your courage
Friday, May 23
ready to let lose with the goods
i'm gonna throw it all on the line today
here it is
my writing life in one rant
came to nyc to paint
started to write when the paint dried
been writing professionally
well for peanuts but still its called professionally right?
for about 12 years
my first column
was the food column in a little itty bitty mag
called "Provincetown Magazine'
still there the mag
wrote the column for 2 years
I used to write it in the front yard of my piece of shit bungalow
in p-town that i got for 400 bucks a month in exchange for taking out other people's trash...dated some of that trash too..but i digress
next column was a restaurant review column for the now defunct
"Greenwich Village Press"
that was fun but man did i gain weight from that one
after that was the "Manhattan Spirit"
wrote a column for them in which i would go to work with a different interesting
west side manhattanite and do a day in the life of column
the best one was when i spent a day in the life of the casting director of the "Conan Obrian Show"
I penned an interview column for "The Flatiron News' in which i took B level celebrities out to dinner and interviewed them over food and booze
it was called, "MY Dinner with Rossi"
some of those B celebs went up to A status
like aaron eckhart
and philip seymour hoffman
and edie falco
hmmm okay then came
what was supposed to be my BIG BREAK
Abe (now in jail) Hirshfeld
pissed off that he only owned the New York Post
for five minutes
started his own daily
"Open Air Pm"
the offices were in the hotel pennsylvania
hirshfeld often tried to drag his female staff members to various rooms there
sometimes he succeeded
there were like hmmm 70 staff members
lots of hurrrah and hooplah
after a couple months of freelance gigs
like "best dive bars"
"best french fries"
they gave me my dream column
in this bi-weekly column i basically got to bitch about everything that annoyed me
almost exactly like i do here
i wrote 6 of them and then
one week before christmas.. hirshfeld
locked the offices
closed the paper
with no notice
we just showed up for work and were greeted by a padlock
and note that said we were canned
merry christmas mo-fos
i'm glad the jerk is in jail
i was owed about 2,500 bucks at the time
and never got paid
my star had plummeted before it rose
after crying for about 6 months
i dusted myself off
and submerged myself into a sea of free-lance gigs
for the new york post
the daily news
time out new york
the black book
i put myself through the nauseating process of
pitching and being rejected by
idiots fresh out of college who happened to have just the right amount of hip-ness
i wrote things i was was not proud of
i felt like a big loser
writing copy that coulda been done by a chimp
i was the chimp chump
and i decided that
right then and there
that i'd rather
write for no one
or for little mags with a distribution of 2,000 then sell my soul
next up VOILA
was "The Mountain Eagle"
a local paper in the Catskills
that probably didn't have more than a few thousand readers
but you know what
i loved my column so much
it was an op-ed
about everything that bothered me
kinda sorta like this but wackier
i wrote in the voice of an alcoholic sex aholic
trapped in the mountains
think karen from "will and grace" but older, bitchier and drunker
but they canned me for not being PC enough
then came "Bust" magazine
a column i still pen to this day
i love bust
i'm busting out
i want the world to know
la la la
my column is aptly named
and i teach the woman power babes
how to cook from the seat of their go-go shorts
next came my biggest brush with fame
followed by my biggest crash
of nytimes fame
yes she found me
and asked me to be a featured columnist for her new start
"One BIG TABLE"
it was supposed to be the biggest thing in food
since sundried tomatoes
a web site that would put martha stewart to shame
hmm well that already happened didn't it martha
shamme on you
and epicurious to shame too
ONE BIG TABLE was to be the god of food sites
all the biggies were signed on board
you name it
who i am still pals with today
reached into my soul
plucked out my dreams and presented them to me
on a welll garnished
silver shimmering platter
i was to be her discovery
"someone just waiting to pop"
as she said
and i started to write
what followed were 9 months
of feeling like a SUPERSTAR
my recipes were tested by
a team of recipe testers
the photographer from"Food and Wine"
magazine came into my home to shoot me
in my chef mama look
i had an editor
who make me feel like a goddess
then finally....the site came up for a sneak preview
for all the industry folks
hurray they liked me
they liked me
they really really liked me
and just as it was about to launch
the backers pulled out
the dot coms plummeted
and ONEBIGTABLE folded
overnight like a napkin
it was worse than a miscarriage
a still birth
and i was left
all dressed up
with no place to saute'
after i dusted myself off from the carnage
i made a decision
everything happens for a reason
i was not meant to be a food writer when i grew up
actually i am not meant to grow up at all....
i was meant to be writer mostly of memoirs
and some autobiographical fiction
who cooks for a living
and therefore writes a lot about food
guess im saying i feel closer to "Kitchen Confidential"
then "the Joy of Cooking"
so i sat down
and started to work on a book of memoirs
i compiled the stuff i had already written
mixed in some new stuff
and spent a year trying to get an agent
oh my god
in the spring
i landed an agent
she was awesome
seemed tailor picked for moi
a whippersnapper that one..
who in her spare time
yeah in the ring...she was a boxing agent
she spent 3 months with me working on a book proposal
and when it was all together
she sent it out to 16 publishers last fall
i was so ready
i was plotzing
i would get my book deal
i knew it!
16 rejections came back
they were essentially all the same
"we love rossi"
"we love the idea"
"we love the writing"
"great regional platform"
IN THESE ECONOMIC TIMES
WE SIMPLY CAN NOT PUBLISH THE MEMOIRS
OF SOMEONE WHO IS NOT KNOWN ON A NATIONAL LEVEL
shortly after that
my agent was laid off
and i've been in literary limbo ever since
tried some other agents
all said the same thing
walk away little girl
come back when you've slept with a major celebrity
or murdered someone
we'll publish you then
are you available?
so here i am 12 years later
ive got a computer filled with memoirs
and some fiction i think would knock your socks off
ive got three book proposals
and a mountain of press clippings
and ive got nada
no home for my serious work
no ascending star
just my good looks
and my rocking personality
but i do have something
i never used to have
i've got you
a few of my ex-lovers
one or two family members who hate that i wrote about them
one person who hates me and checks this site periodically to see if im dead
and just a whole buncha folks who are passing through
i've got you
i've got you
and that makes me feel like telling the mainstream world
to screw themselves
is what the hell is blog
what i'd like to do is take some advice
from jeff jarvis
youll see his site here "warblog"
and take the bull by the kischka
and start a work of the week thing
on this site
ill put up a memoir of the week
and invite your comments
and your old shoes
i'll send out an open call
to anyone in the universe
who can publish this tired and bitchy gal
to come on down!!!
hell i write to be read
its not for the money
hello cause there isnt any!!
its not for the status
cause most of my stuff is pretty damn embarrassing
its to get it out
whatever IT is
i need to get it out of me
and onto the page
or the screen
and ultimately into you
open your souls
and take me in
stay tuned for
what will be a new change here
with memoirs of the week
i'm waiting for my editrix
the great and inspiring jill matrix
youll see her link here too
too friggen lazy to type in the code
I AM A JEWISH AMERICAN PRINCESS
I am falling on the mercy of LA MATRIX to help me put it together
please leave me your comments
anything you want to say
im open to ya
Wednesday, May 21
so i got myself into a strange mood last night
might have something to do with the fact that i watched the final episode of
BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER ( booo hoooo why meeeeee …picture nancy kerrigan here)
and then chased buffy
by watching the second half of "Hitler the Rise of Evil"
Buffy was intense..and while I loved the whole let's make all the girls slayers thing
and the lets blow up sunnydale and kick hell to well hell
i was a little let down by the final moments of the show
buffy just smiling as all her pals ask her
what do we do now?
but then i thought on it and took it as kinda poetic
an open book
she's smiling because for the first time
since she learned she was a slayer
her future is uncertain
the world her oyster
and all that
what i shoulda done was just shut the boob tube off
and rolled in buffy for a bit
hmm that sounded sexy
i watched hitler
i appreciated that the two part movie
focused on his rise from little abused boy
to big abusive satan
and did not focus on
what he did after he rose to power
what i found most frightening
was the part
towards the end of the movie
when he uses the destruction of a
to install fear in the people
and uses that fear
to take away civil rights
to establish a special security force
not the army, but a special force
a home-land security force
and he links all
military and government
to fall in line under him
does this sound familiar?
i'm sorry but the whole
thing was a little de ja vus
the world trade center gets bombed
the fear in all of us is used
for the baby bush
to take away our civil rights
under a little dandy called the patriot act
and then link the various protective government agencies
under something called home-land security
you gotta admit
that's a freaky bit of similarity
the major difference of course
the AMERICAN people
we would never let our president grab so much power that he would be able to annihilate innocents
turn our country into a police state
make homosexuality a crime punishable by a trip to the camps
we would never stand by
while our president
stripped away our rights of freedom of speech, press, self expression
we would never stand by while our president
targeted innocents amongst us for genocide
or would we?
what scared me the most last night
was when i put myself in the shoes of the average german during that time
if sticking up for the jews
could have meant the murder of my lover, my family
my close friends
would i have had the courage?
what if it happened here in America?
and it was not the jews
but the moslems
already i have issues
over moslem fundamentalists who have created so much evil
would i put my life on the line
and the life of my family to protect innocent Moslems
people who have a way of life I know nothing about
who already have started to symbolize something negative to me???
i would like to think i would
i would like to think my sense of humanity would outweigh my fear
or any prejudice these times may have instilled in me
just like i'd like to think that in nazi germany i would have hidden jews
joined the french resistance
poisoned nazi soldiers
stolen their machine guns and plowed them down
but i don't know
I don’t really know how brave I am
When it comes to the death of people I love
and all this
a little too close to home
maybe i'm just nuts…
I mean the baby bush is certainly a far cry from Hitler or anyone like him
And I even admit
Yes I admit that there are things I have liked about the baby bush
Namely his support of Israel
And his taking out of the Taliban the numero uno killers of women
I hate &^%$#* women killers
But The Patriot Act is frightening
And I think what’s more frightening is to use fear to guide a country
What you think this is only a german thing?
A country guided by fear is just how the communist witch hunt happened.
It’s just how the American Japanese camps happened.
And it’s how slowly and without a lot of us noticing..the fear of “911” and the fear of continued terrorism is being used to create laws that little by little chip away at our constitution.
I was not anti-war against Iraq.
But I felt truly frightened that the people who were anti-war were treated as they were.
That the human rights organization here in New York had to get involved because people who demonstrated against the war were being treated as possible terrorist sympathizers.
I was terrified that people were afraid to speak out if they were anti-war because of what might happen to them.
I was even concerned about an FBI file being created for me because of things I have said on this sight.
I'm sure there is an FBI or CIA or home-land security file on me..
Better make sure you get a picture boys! My sex appeal is why I'm so dangerous.
but I digress....
This is America!
We’re supposed to feel free to open our big fat mouths and say whatever the hell we want to say even if you hate it.
And you’re allowed to open your big fat mouth and tell us to screw ourselves.
The government should not treat anti-war folks like criminals as long as they are not committing a crime while getting their point across.
If they are arrested, they should certainly not be interrogated as possible terrorists!
Hello jack-asses…being anti-war usually means you’re a pacifist not a terrorist.
Anyway…I’m a little worried about us all but the very fact that I’m sitting here writing this and you’re sitting here reading this…means that things should be okay.
Monday, May 19
go over to michele's site
you'll see the link right here
she needs your input for an essay she's writing
on female bloggers...
and so is she
and so are you
but not today
Sunday, May 18
came home from catering a huge ass Italian wedding last night
man i don't mean to generalize but Italian’s can eat!
after a bath
a cup of tea
a little quality time with my cats
i crawled into bed and turned on the TV
breaking news came on
another suicide bomber in Israel
took out a bus full of poor slobs on their way to work
you know just a bunch of joe shmoes
reading the paper
heading off to punch the clock
this is the time that Israel
is about to enter the most serious peace talks ever
to work on a plan that will lead to giving up
huge chunks of land for a palestinian state
so why blow away lives now
when the palestinians should be on their best behavior
exactly what they want is just past the horizon
because the fundamentalist moslem
(making a distinction here..note from the other palestinians)
the fundamentalist moslem terrorist palestinians
here-after known as the FMTP's
don't want peace
they don't want friggin peace
they want Israel
they want every jew floating face down
in the dead sea
they want the whole enchilada
are the reason why there is no peace
so i say again
to all the innocent
palestinian lives ruined by these pricks
to all the people left waiting
while these bastards blow it all (Literally) to hell
take them out
they are your true enemy
Israel is ready for peace
think about who it is
who is really sending peace to hell
stamp them out
kick them out
they are not your brothers
they are not your sisters
they are your murderers
they are the murderers of peace for all the people
of israel and for all the people of what would be
a palestinian state
Saturday, May 17
let my people go
guess terrorism is in the air
first the saudi's
this time they blew up a jewish community center
just to make sure we all knew
hey they really hate jews
we kinda figured that
find the group of cowardly pricks who think they are the master race
their beliefs should stamp out all other beliefs
and their people should either rule
or murder all other people
they're bound to hate jews
the nazis...come to mind here
for that matter
so do the ancient egyptians
we jews are used to this
thankfully the other thing that these cowardly scumbags of present and past history seem to have in common
is that they become extinct
taken out by their own hate
see any Pharoahs around today?
when was the last time you saw an ss officer?
are on the bottom of a long list of
suicide bombers sent out to blow up women, children, civilians?
that's about as low as you can get I'd say...
what cracks me up
is that the palestinian terrorists
and their supporters
kills an innocent
got caught in the crossfire
while the terrorists
take out kids on purpose
the blowing up of school busses comes to mind here...
kinda like the way americans
killed or hurt innocent civilians
not on purpose
made all the more difficult
by the fact that saddams boys were hiding behind
or pretending to be civilians
what i can't figure out
is why the moslem people of the world
are not out there
searching for these fundamentalist
murdering around the world
in the name of allah
we get that they don't stand for what THEY stand for
take the bastards out
when you go into a mosque
and you hear some prick bragging about the jewish children he's gonna blow up
have him arrested!
i guarantee you
if i overhead a jew in my synagogue plotting a murder
i would have him arrested
i'm sick of this shit
i really truly am
where is moses when you need him?
Wednesday, May 14
i've taken a little break from ranting about world events
to rant about my life..
because quite honestly
i started to feel a bit too submerged in all things
bloody..(that's the world events part not my life part..although I have been craving rare meat lately)
anyway this recent terrorism in Saudi Arabia
has struck me as odd
not because it happened
but because it seemed like it has been treated
as super minor
so much so
that at first i thought it was just an attack against the saudi's
took me awhile to figure out it was an attack against americans too
not sure which
in any case
i guess pretty much anything seems small after "911"
except for a war of course...
but short of a war
i mean shit
what really registers
after seeing the world trade center fall down?
but that scares me
our level of what affects us
has been so elevated
just a few dozen deaths doesn't even make a bleep anymore
it reminds me of what it was like to move
from a small town on the jersey shore
to New York City
used to be if someone got killed in a car accident
it would be the talk of the town
now when i flip through the news
a death or two doesn't even hold my attention
anything less than 10 dead
or a celebrity drug bust
isn't worth a milli-second of my time
so here we are
we've watched "911" happen
either first hand or from our TVs
we watched the invasion of Iraq
on nearly every channel
so i'm guessing either the media
figures this saudi thing is small potatoes
or we're not responding as we should be
or the baby bush
is so busy patting himself on the back
that he doesn't want this little Al queda thing
too talked about
or maybe he doesn't want to be reminded
that osama is still around
just like he doesn't want to be reminded
that we don't know if saddam is dead
there's also this dandy little doodle
the baby bush and all the bushettes don't like to talk too much about
because, well all the great terrorists seem to come from there
or get their money from their
but golly gee the saudi's are our friends
well because we want their oil
and why is it that north korea
hasn't been taken on?
well that's simple
north korea has nukes
baby bush doesn't like to bite boys
who bite back
not that i want a war with north korea
that would pretty much finish off
any chance or world peace
not to mention
the standing this country has in the world
i'm already being told if i leave the country
not to tell anyone i'm an american
i never say i'm an american anyway
always say i'm a new yorker
but it did get me better service in paris
land of the bitchy and rude
and it did get me some free drinks in london
land of the over-priced everything
it also excuses the fact that i can't seem to wear anything that isn't black
or beige...hmm or the occasional olive tone ....
but i digress
here's my idea
next time we go to war
let's first try and actually kill the bastard
we're going to war to take out
and then worry about the war part
it's getting fairly tiring that these yahoos seem to keep dusting themselves off and going back to business
maybe that's the main reason
this saudi thing is such background muzac
cause osama they say...is the one who ordered the deed
that's a real thorn in the side of the baby bush
i'm guessing osama and saddam are out there somewhere
doing jello shots
and laughing at us all
pisses me off
Sunday, May 11
I came to NYC in 1981 to be a painter.
I had some crazy idea that the art world of New York would embrace me.
It’s fairly laughable now, to think that this teen-age runaway, who painted fairly primitive portraits mostly using red and black, who knew no one in power, had no conception of what proper art was, how to play the game, what to wear, what net-working was and what art school’s might teach would somehow be embraced by Soho.
I learned quickly.
But being somewhat of a rebel and a survivor I joined up with other throwaway artists. We were as alien to the thriving art business of 1980’s NYC as seagulls are in the Sahara dessert.
So I threw my own shows, pooled my pennies with other poor slobs and rented an outer Soho loft. We took over a vacant store who’s owner felt sorry for us and let us hang our works until someone came along and rented the place.
We did whatever to keep showing ourselves mostly just to each other and other poor slobs.
By the time I was 28 I had painted myself into a state of hatred. I hated the art world, hated my own work, hated the prison that my canvases started to feel like.
I put down my paintbrush and picked up a pen.
Didn’t touch a canvas for 8 years.
Didn’t miss it.
Then the year before September 11th, I felt a pull to doodle, just play around and see what happened.
I painted mostly portraits of people I knew. Nothing really deep happened. It just felt good like I was un-corking myself. I knew my real style wasn’t coming up yet, but I was stirring the sauce, waiting for the flavor to leap forward.
I gave most of them away.
Then “911” happened.
And once I got through the adrenalin of being down there, once the black smudge was gone from my nose and my throat, once the fear had settled in for a nap, I was left with two things to see me through; my pen and my paintbrush.
It was through my writing and through this web site that I was able to describe the real images I saw in those terrible days of the fall of 2001, but it was through my paintbrush that I was able to capture the feeling of those images.
Then I watched my work change. Before my eyes it was noticeably different, the colors the shades, the texture, the messages. It was this change that prompted me to join up with other artists, again searching for kindred renegade spirits and to have a show. My good friend Dror provided the space and the partnership I needed to lean against and the multimedia group show “Reaction” was born.
1,000 visitors, a nice chunk of press and several sales for a great cause later, the show closed.
Last fall I stopped painting again and didn’t touch a brush until two days ago.
What has just inspired me is a magazine.
It talked about “Outsider Art,” “Art Brut,” and Raw art.
I'd heard of "Outsider Art" of course, but a scene that to me, used to seem like a haven for home-less artists and assorted left out, twisted souls, had of late seemed to be more of a tag line for anything in the art world slightly off the beaten path.
Same old story, I assumed...the true freaks start things, then are shut out.
But the true freaks were in this magazine. It showed photographs from artists who had never been to art school who were cut off from the mainstream art world, who found their own way. Their work was un-orthodox. They were fantastically un-hip; one was a retired grocer, one was a factory worker, one lived in an insane institution. Their works had a childlike quality.
I am not a student of art or art history or a learned scholar of any of these movements.
I really don’t know the difference between “Art Brut” and “Outsider Art.”
I have heard by some, that these were supposed to be the same thing.
I really don't know.
I only know that one paragraph I read which described “Outsider Art” said it was work created by a self-taught artist. The work was highly un-orthodox and often raw.
Then, too "Raw" and "Naiive art" are other terms which may mean other things.
AAAAKKK. It's a lot to digest isn't it?
But the tie of all this is the work; rough, simple, defiant and embraced by galleries all around the world.
I wondered where this embrace was in the early 80’s when I felt so shut out of any kind of scene in New York. I'd heard the term "Outsider" bantered about back then, but it never touched my door-step. It never opened any doors to me.
I wondered too, if now that "Outsider" art seems to have broken into the mainstream, if the nice, safe life I have created for myself, by running my own business makes me a person who would no longer fit into this world.
Does surviving being an outsider mean that you are no longer an outsider?
Am I an outsider by whatever definition the art world uses or would they put some other label on me?
At least now, I know that there are other people out there who remind me of myself in 1981 who are being accepted.
At least now I know that the feeling of being shut out, creating despite the mother-fuckers in their safe white walls with their clipboards and their heads shaking “no no no,” is part of a bonofide movement that the art world is beginning to recognize as something “real.”
Yes, I know on some level that these terms have been around for awhile. I think "Art Brut" was coined in the 1940's, but these terms never filtered into my world before. They meant as little to me a "pop art" or "surrealism."
But maybe, just maybe they mean something now, something welcoming.
How ironic that the term outsider might feel like a welcome.
Maybe there’s hope for me yet?
No matter, because what the magazine did was get me back to work.
I just finished my first piece since last fall.
It's a bit more wild than my work has been since I was teen-ager, a bit dark, a bit rough, a bit scary...a bit hopeful...
Hmm.. yeah. I think I like it.
I don't know whether my work can be called "Outsider" or "Art Brut" or "Primitive" or just plain wacko.
I only know that knowing the art world is embracing the freaks...really thrills me.
Of course that may be the beginning of a whole bunch of faux posers pretending to be freaks, but hey, let me just roll in the good part.
Oh FYI...the magazine was called "Raw Vision."
You can probably find it in any artsy fartsy book store
or on the web...
got an email address for them too
oh FYI again ****
you can check out the work I did for my last show here...lemme know what ya think....
Friday, May 9
how far is too far
so i was thinking that things have been feeling pretty calm
at least in comparison to the war torn news of our recent past
then today i was staring at cnn at my local breakfast joint
the sound was off
but the subtitles
on and i checked out the discussion of how many pounds of plutonium you need to make a nuclear bomb
turns out to be 11 pounds
this was all part of a chat about north korea
is it just me
or is this north korea thing
a whole lot scarier than saddam hussein was?
so why the hell were we making saddam public enemy number one
he shoulda been public enemy number two
seems to me
or was it just
take out the little guy to rev up your manhood
so you can go head to head with the not so little guy
heard that the U.S. rather than trying to take the nukes from north korea
is trying to prevent anyone else from buying them so they don't leave north korea
except that the ones i was afraid of were the north koreans
they get to keep them all to themselves?
that's not solving this for me
i guess the problem is
we can't exactly go in there and blow them away too
because pretty soon
we'll just be going out and blowing away everyone who has weapons of mass destruction
and that's the beginning of world war three for sure
and personally i don't think this world can survive a world war three
the cockroaches will survive
probaby the rats and the pigeons too
and the mice
and the lawyers
but humanity will be gone
that much im pretty sure of
so i guess i'm just sitting here wondering
how far do you go to stop the mo-fos?
and how far is too far?
and if you think you're getting the answers from moi
and i don't know nada
Tuesday, May 6
bon voyage buffy
my love is leaving me
in two more weeks
my support unit
will be gone
in two more weeks
"BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER"
will air its final episode
go ahead laugh
if you dare
but Buffy has been a lot more than a show
to lots of other cool grown-ups i know
the silent nod
the knowing wink
when you say
sorry i'm not free tuesday nights till after 9
you've found it
i've been dead hooked on the show for 6 years now
i don't know what it is
the woman kicking man butt thing
the gay friendly script
a bit of a vampire fetish
the smart lines
the camp factor
all of the above
but this show has really rocked my world
i am not afraid to say this out loud
is gonna be like losing a close friend
just don't cut it
besides the friggen $#@%^&* cheapos at the network where airing a re-run like every other show anyway
i get that last years buffy sucked
it was depressing
i named it
sylvia plath the vampire slayer
and i get that the actress sarah mrs. freddy prince jr.
was probably tired of staking vampires
and i get that zander got fat
that spike was on the show so long he was starting to age
and vampires aren't supposed to age
i get it
the few new shows they've had this year have been awesome
and they even brought back the SM goddess of the universe
the bad-ass leather mama
who i really want to be spanked by
all kidding aside
this show has made me laugh
when i was major-ly blue
made me cry
yeah shut up
and sometimes been the highlight of my mid-week blahs
i have even turned down sex to watch buffy
(sorry darlin...you know i love you)
so may i this humble fan
bid a sad
and so broken hearted fairwell
to the queen of tuesdays
and the scooby gang
and angel (well he got his own show so i don't have to say bye to him)
thanks for the memories
but sheesh josh whedon and network yuppies
couldn't ya at least have plunked down enough cash
to get us
Faith the vampire slayer?
i know she had another offer but fellas
that woulda filled the void...
what are you gonna do leave us with
the scooby gang gone wild
or some such shit
something to get me through this
Friday, May 2
farewell to the nyc subway token
another great bit of nyc character is gonna be flushed into the east river
i remember the token when i first came to nyc 22 years ago
it was full then
there was no bite taken out of the middle like a bagel
i loved to finger a few tokens in my pocket
shoving them into the money slot at the turnstyle was my right of passage
i lived in a bad neighborhood
and didn't have the cash to take cabs
so i rode the trains
during the high crime, pre-Guiliani era
i rode the trains
well after midnight
i watched people have sex on the 2 train
at 4 AM
i learned how to do the subway stare
(you glare up at the ceiling or down at the floor with an expression on your face that reads like a combination of bored and psychotic so no one bothers you)..
then they took a bite out of the token
i guess it was to save metal
or maybe so you could hang them on a keychain
or a necklace
or be able to tell the difference between a token and coin money
if you were blind
or just fishing in your pocket
i got used to it
then the metro cards came
little pieces of hard stock paper
that registered one trip
the daily commuters nabbed them up for the savings
but i knew what they really were
another way for "big brother" to watch us
first the easy pass
then the metro cards
then suddenly the government would know
where you had been all damn day long
i passed on the blasphemous piece of hard paper
and stayed with the tokens
defiant i would walk past the short lines at the metro card machines
and wait on the long line at the token booth
then i would demand to the teller
"TOKEN NOT CARD"
i loved the feel of the little metal bagel in my fingers
now they're doing away with the token
it's going into the great nyc grave-yard of our dreams
and perhaps a museum or two
it's taking its place in the land of yester-year joining the ranks of
mom&pop book stores
free sunday parking
little italy (long been eaten by chinatown..there's only one block left)
a neighborhood in manhattan that struggling artists, writers, actors and musicians can afford to live in
time square sleazy (some of it we hated, some of it we loved, but it was part of us)
sex clubs (unless you count starbucks after 10pm)
little poland (been eaten up by the east village)
the jewish lower-east-side bargain district (now it's the hispanic lower-east-side bargain district...same low prices, but no haggling, no smoked salmon, no kosher pastrami, no decent braziers, no dried fruit and nut outdoor vendors and no laughing rabbis)...
bialys- where the hell are they...bagels everywhere but not a bialy in sight
and yes..they are different!
well...i could go on forever
but you get the drift
i don't miss the high crime era of nyc
i'm glad the crime is gone
but i'm watching my city turn into
something nice, clean, sanitized....
it's the color, the multi-ethnic mish mash of all walks of life, the poor, the middle-class and yes the rich all shoved together
all pushing their tokens into the turnstile, millionaires, pink haired punkers, welfare moms, painters, writers, bankers, chefs...shoved together on the train during rush hour, doing the subway stare...
it's all this that sets nyc apart from the world
don't take away the token
it's the last link to the glorious gritty past
it's my coming of age
my symbol of survival
even Ratners is gone
Ratners the 100 year institution of evil old waiters
smoked sable and blintzes that would make the gods smile
i don't want a frappucino and a muffin
i want a bialy and a shmear
doesn't anyone remember shmears??