Wednesday, April 30
do you feel a little
feels a bit odd
here it tis
or here it tis
oh i don't know
i guess i have to admit
i felt oddly comfortable
and feel oddly
maybe i should just chill out
i'm waiting for the next billion dollar shoe to fall
but don't you feel just a little bit nervous right now?
the alerts have dropped
just a little too
at least i have my sneezes to make some noise
Tuesday, April 29
spring is finally here
oy vey already!
so i finally have my windows open
anyway...i'm enjoying this waft of warmness
still on the homeopathic diet from hell
the only problem is
and so far
but guess what?
i still have the ^%$#&* allergies!!
Sunday, April 27
I'll paste it below my little rant here...
I'm guessing now..he'll have someone read my site, go into the archives, learn about all the lousy things i've had to say about him and i will be executed for a parking ticket or some such thing...
"Hey you!!....J walker....!!" BANG BANG!!
was nice knowing you all...
considering the fact that i have just learned from jillmatrix.(see link on my site, far too lazy to type in the code....what can i say I'm a princess)
that the baby bush is supporting senator satan
I doubt my letter will get much reaction on his part
yesireeeeee Senator Satan is inclusive all right
hey baby bush!
but you do want to get re-elected don't ya?
so lie, like you alway do
it's the american thing to do!
Thank you for emailing President Bush. Your ideas and comments are very
For up-to-date information about the President and his policies, please check
Unfortunately, because of the large volume of email received, the President
Again, thank you for your email. Your interest in the work of President Bush
If the subject of your email was a request for a Presidential greeting, please
The White House
Please review the guidelines carefully before mailing your request to the White
Saturday, April 26
Can I just say how much I am loving the comments thing.
Now everything is different...
more beat in my walk
more color in my cheeks
comments have changed my world!
I am a commentary mama!!!
I even hear disco beats in my head!
Oh my god...I'm losing it!
I really need to send a big smooch to Erica
and darlins? have you read this guy?
also while we're at it
all aboard the lovveeeeeeeeeee trainnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn!
this train is making all local stops
somebody get me a doctor!
Wednesday, April 23
Rick Santorum, the Senate's third-ranked Republican from Pa…who just recently let loose with this pile of dog poop.
In an interview with The Associated Press two weeks ago, Santorum, here-after known as Satan-orum, (or just Satan for short) said he believes homosexual acts are a threat to the American family. He even compared homosexuality to bigamy, polygamy, incest and adultery.
''I have no problem with homosexuality - I have a problem with homosexual acts, as I would with acts of other, what I would consider to be, acts outside of traditional heterosexual relationships,'' Santorum said during an interview taped April 7 in his Senate office.
Yeah Senator Satan and I have no problem with asshole, short-minded, bigoted, homophobic idiots. I just have a problem with those who act on it. LIKE YOU!
Senator Satan when on to say..''And that includes a variety of different acts, not just homosexual,'' he said. ''I have nothing, absolutely nothing against anyone who's homosexual. If that's their orientation, then I accept that. And I have no problem with someone who has other orientations. The question is, do you act upon those orientations? So it's not the person, it's the person's actions. And you have to separate the person from their actions.''
OK Satan. So what your saying is that we gay folks should just spend our entire lives either living a lie or just being celibate. What if I were to say the same for you. You’re a butt ugly idiot. I believe it’s a crime against humanity for your to spread your evil disease. So you will not have sex, and therefore possibly spread your kind and you will also spend the rest of your life with your mouth shut.
So then just when you thought we couldn’t go any more backwards, Conservative Republicans, including former presidential candidate Gary Bauer, rallied to Santorum's defense.
''I think that while some elites may be upset by those comments, they're pretty much in the mainstream of where most of the country is,'' Bauer said.
Uh Huh. Really. Well yeah maybe the parts of the country that drink moonshine and keep their living room furniture on their front porch, but nobody I know feels that way and nobody who has ever contacted me through this web site feels that way and I’d really be surprised if it really was where most of the country is.
Do you feel this way?
Do you think homosexuality is a sin and should be considered a crime when acted on?
Got a feeling that the only ones out there who do are also the same folks who think white supremacists are you know kinda cool.
Fuck this shit.
And fuck you senator. Go back to your KKK meeting and leave us alone.
Monday, April 21
I have survived Los Angeles.
Considering the fact that I drove a car (yep a real car) the entire time I was there, that’s quite a feat.
Hey Manhattanites don’t exactly get a lot of driving time in.
I drive a car once a year, when I rent one from Hertz and drive my best pal and my goddaughter out to Greenport Long Island for a week in the sun.
So it’s safe to say, driving once a year, keeps me a tad rusty at the wheel.
But I rented a cute lil compact thing and spun all over LA.
Went to Santa Monica…(loved the beach hated the people)..
Went to Melrose (loved the shopping hated the people)..
Went to Venice Beach (loved the little houses and the beach, hated the people)..
Went to the gay strip (loved the scenery, hated the people)
Okay..maybe I’m being a tad bitchy here..but I just have a thing against..air heads.. platinum blondes in low riding jeans with white stilettos, steroid induced beef cakes on rental Harley Davidson’s and anyone, I mean anyone who chews gum and drinks cappuccino at the same time…
But there were some good moments…like I said, I dug the beach..thought Venice Beach even had a bit of New York Edge at times…loved my marathon shopping spree: vintage corduroys, Vercaci pleather pants, black stretch pants, two t-shirts and a partridge in a pear treeeee.
Let me tell you about the celeb sightings.. My ex Shelley (long story) took me to a new hip place called Grace..at the table to my left was Greg from “Darma and Greg” and then to my right was Monica from “Friends” who looked spectacularly anorexic and her hubby David Arquette who looked cute but had probably used more hair gel in one night than I have in my entire life.
My fave moment was the limo parked in front of my hotel…out pops the head of Little Richard in full make-up and wild ass wig smiling at me like a crazy cat with his head handing out the window.. I smile back and he says, “HOWYA DOING BABY?!”
Love that guy.
Met my new baby nephew just born on New Year’s Day who seemed to feel so comfortable in my arms that he crapped every time I held him.
My brother’s wife Dahlia put out enough food for our Passover Seder to feed half of Detroit.
Gefilte Fish, white fish, chicken and matzo ball soup, baked chicken, beef ribs…lots and lots of matzo….
My dad was there so aside from my sister it was the whole family or what’s left of us..It's the first time we’ve all been together for Passover since dinosaurs roamed the earth.
If it weren’t for the fact that my brother has become ultra orthodox and rather preachy about it…it would have all been fabu.
Why is it that when folks take to religion they feel it’s their god given right to drag us all in too?
Sheeesh…you go your way and I’ll go mine and my way entails being able to wear tight leather pants and eat chicken Mcnuggets.
Well actually I can’t eat Mcnuggets on my diet,, but if I weren’t on a diet I would.
Well actually they make me ill but if they didn’t make me ill I would.
Anyway…my fave part of LA was driving all round in that little compact. I even parallel parked..I did I did I did
So okay I’ll sum it up like this: LA is a fabulous place to get tan, buy a house for the price of a one bedroom apartment in Manhattan, drive up and down the street with your windows down blaring rock&roll, buy second hand pleather pants, eat cheese fries at one in the morning, see so many celebrities that you get bored seeing celebrities, be in the midst of more gay men then you’ve even seen in one place when it wasn’t gay pride, order coffee alternatives (turns out it was sugar, cream and toffee) at Starbucks and basically just walk around acting like your shit doesn’t stink.
Would I move there?
Are you nuts?!
I need some edge man!
I didn’t see a single person who looked like they came from the wrong side of the tracks unless you count a few folks who couldn’t afford convertibles.
Plus….the driving was a fun change of pace and all, but I think a city has got to be one that can be walked across. I can drag my ass out of bed in the morning and cover Manhattan by night-fall. Now that’s a city.
Further more their cabs weren’t yellow. They were blue.
That’s just wrong.
Monday, April 14
yep you heard it
no tis not business
tis passover with my family
also going to look up
the plan is
hello LA the weather better be %$#^& nice or I'll sue!
then its 2.5 days of passover festivitites with the family
then din din with my ol pal
and then back to nyc
happy matzo balls
but not you eric bogosian
Saturday, April 12
had something of a writer's night out last night
anyway for those non-new yorkers...williamsburg is something of a natural off-shoot of Manhattan's hip, groovy and now yuppified east village..the reason being it's one more stop on the L train to bedford ave..the heart of williamsburg
course williamsburg is now almost as expensive as manhattan so the hipsters have already moved on, well all the ones who didn't buy or get long leases
but on a friday night...yuppies dressed up as hipsters aside
sorta east village 5 years ago i would say
anyway, i dragged my pal helen out of the upper west side to come with moi
also total intellectual so thankfully she knew all the people i had no idea about
"oh yeah he wrote that"
etc etc you get the point...
the reading took place at "Galapagos" this industrial, raw, bar, perfomance space with an indoor pond...and lots of exposed steel...it feels a lot like an S&M
aside from the fact that mcsweeneys seems to be fairly unfond of women
and aside from the fact that all the readers except for sean
it was a cool night
sean was first: adorable..read about his wacky childhood
so helen and i were thinking it was a rather grand night
eric informed us all that what he was about to read he had never read not even to himself
he proceeded to read 3 pieces about men either shoving their dick into some girls un-wanting mouth or shaving their balls or jerking off or D all of the above
until i finally realized that what eric was doing was jerking off on us
we babes have been here before
after he finally shut the fuck up
i really just wanted to climb on stage and punch him out
but i restrained myself
helloooo women are brilliant, powerful creatures too!
and helen and i went off into the night to check out the wild scene of a friday night in williamsburg
we wound up hovering around tea for me, decaf cappuccino for her
we swapped stories about our writer's lives
"all those people tonight were playing the game," i said to helen...aware that my entire life had been molded around not playing the game
"Yeah..."she said...." i can't do that either...but don't worry....all that disappointment and rejection you've gone through...that means you're a real writer....you have a writer's life.."
With that...i felt anointed...if my publishing track record hadn’t properly christened me as a writer than my rejection and disappointment track record had
anyway...i still won't play the game
cause every time i strike out
suck my dick motherfucker!!!
Thursday, April 10
one little nice moment
who else is in the club?
probably died his hair blonde and changed his name to
why do all these scumbuckets
so is saddam mo-fo hussein
Saturday, April 5
I’m ready to rant.
As I’ve written in my many stages of being “War torn” I have found myself in a precarious position.
I have not been able to be anti-war as one of the dictators in this world I hate most is Saddam Hussein.
I have not been able to be pro-war as I think war is never good although it is sadly sometimes necessary.
I have shimmied and shaked and basically just sat there with my ass on the damn fence and, I might add, one of the pointy pieces of this fence has been digging into my nether regions.
I’ve been uncomfortable.
This is not a natural position for me; to be caught in the middle.
I am used to being an all or not at all woman.
I am used to championing the underdog.
To fighting fights that are often unpopular.
To voicing opinions that are the anti-Christ to PC-ism.
But here I have been with my ass impaled on that fence.
Almost all of my friends are anti-war.
My girlfriend is anti-war.
Late at night when I turn to her, she looks into my eyes and I can almost hear her thoughts, “How can a humanist like you..not be against this war?”
But it is because I am humanist that I have not been against this war.
This man is evil incarnate.
His people will be a thousand times better off without him.
Yet. I also wonder. Who are we to play god?
What right to we really have to police the world?
My friend Debbie, a major anti-war chick, told me that if I wanted a quickie anti-war education to chat with her mom. Her mom, who has a sweet grandmotherly way about her, ran through all the anti-war drills that I’d heard before.
“Powell didn’t prove he had weapons of mass destruction.”
Yeah …yeah…heard it.
“Innocent people are being killed.”
Been there….done that….
“What was Saddam gonna go anyway?”
Um…maybe blow Israel away for starters…..
I smiled politely, but I was not moved.
I said softly, “He’s another Hitler.”
Then she said possibly the only thing I’ve heard that has sunk in.
“Did we do everything we could have done first? Was this really our last resort?”
“If there was one thing we could have tried before war…than war was wrong.”
And now, after many days of thinking and pondering… I have to agree with her.
I don’t think this was our last resort.
I think we could have tried something else, one more time line, one last-ditch effort. We could have sent a thousand inspectors over there and really tore up the joint. Yes, yes, yes, YES, the chances are, we might well have wound up exactly where we are right now…at war.
But at least we would have had the support of the world behind us.
At least we would have known that we tried everything.
Now don’t get me wrong.
Now that we are there. I really see no reason to spend millions of dollars dealing with all this anti-war crap, because HELLO WE ARE AT WAR! YOU”RE TOO LATE!
And I also must add, that quite simply I want Saddam Hussein dead.
I want him to be strung up naked by hundreds of women who then each take turns torturing him however they see fit. As women are second-class citizens to this prick, I figure lets up the anty by having them be his torturers. But I want to him to survive this bout although I do want it to be telecast live on international TV. Then I want him to be deported to Israel. Deposited in the center of Jerusalem and surrounded by the family of every person killed by a suicide bomber whose family he had rewarded with a check for 25,000 bucks. They get to kill him.
That’s what I want for him…a multitude of death on live TV.
So no. I guess you can say I am not a pacifist.
But here’s the problem.
There is another man I am starting to hate with a growing passion.
Another man that I am beginning to see as a sort of dictator.
Another man that I am beginning to suspect may be a murderer.
And that man is the president of the United States.
The amount of world support this country had after September 11th was unprecedented. We even had sympathy from Arabs. Probably any other president in history (except for maybe Papa Bush) would have milked that level of worldwide support for years of great and powerful moves. But the Baby Bush, the grand marshal of his own ego parade, blew it all like one giant premature ejaculation.
We’re just running on fumes now.
We’ve got more enemies that we’ve probably ever had.
Even our allies hate us.
Even we hate us.
He stirred up all our fears after September 11th, a day that I remember most as the day our president ran and hid and we all wished he could be replaced by Rudy Guiliani.
The Baby Bush used our fears to launch “The Patriot Act” which has been a steady eating away of the bill of rights ever since.
Now we can be searched without warrant.
A little know fact I just learned today.
What does the Baby B not want us to know?
Was Monica Lewinsky on the Bush payroll?
I’m not an anti-war protestor and I won’t be, but the way this country reacts to anti-war protest does frighten me. We have the right to voice our opinion in this country. It is a democracy. If you want to scream you want peace. You have that right. If I want to scream shut up and support our troops. I have that right. But if anyone takes away your right to scream that you want peace. Then I will fight to the death for you.
This is a democracy isn’t it?
Isn’t that why we want to liberate Iraq?
To give them democracy?
So then, we have to let everyone have their say, regardless of whether or not we agree.
Yet the air in this government right now, reminds me of the McCarthy era communist witch hunt.
I never used to feel afraid to voice my opinion and yet right now, as I write this, I do feel concerned. I do feel there is a chance that my anti-Bush rhetoric will wind up in a nice big FBI file for moi and one day..if I bitch too much about the wrong thing, I’ll just be taken away. Months may go by without any of you knowing where I am.
If you don’t see any new rants from me for awhile…..call up the baby Bush and say
It’s a scary time.
No president has exercised this much power since Nixon and wasn’t he swell?
I don’t like Bush, senior or junior.
I don’t like that the baby Bush did not win this election and he should not %$#&* be our ruler and thief.
I don’t like that he asked for U.N. support said he would respect the U.N. position and then when he didn’t get what he wanted he went ahead anyway.
Hello idiot! That was your ego talking.
You never thought the U.N. would say no to you!
That’s a gamble he never should have made.
If he wanted war, he should have just gone and made war and not promised to respect the U.N.’s opinion.
Now we look like a lone wolf with a few paid off allies.
I’m sure Osama ben Laden is laughing all the way to Baghdad. Not only did we take the heat off him, but we’ve managed to blow all the world support we snagged because of him.
Oh hey, a dandy little side dish…anti-Semitism is like off the charts.
So what’s my hope.
That this war is short.
That this country keeps its promise and does not try to take over Iraq but let’s whatever decent leaders there may be in Iraq take over themselves.
That we fix all the boo boos and help these people and heal the world opinion of us.
That on the next election we vote in someone with a brain, with diplomatic skills and a huge penis like say Hillary Clinton and that we all survive.
Meanwhile….I’m putting the double lock on my door.
Friday, April 4
okay so since some of you seem to actually find my life interesting
I thought I (ohh some capitalization) might tell you a bit about my writing life
As a writer I've been on quite the roller coaster
You see I am cursed (blessed?) with a complete and total inability to write out of character
In other words, my wacky, bitchy, no non-sense self always weaves its way into my writing..
I tried journalism.. They said I used to many adjectives
I tried travel writing...They said "the best place to meet hot women" was not exactly what they wanted
I tried entertainment writing.. They said.."A tour of the dingiest dive bars in NYC" was not exactly main stream material..
So I was left with exactly two things that I could write about
As a food writer.. my “fuck-you-and-eat-it” style of writing found a happy home at "Bust" magazine
“You must..you must..you must increase your bust!!”
But food writing doesn't exactly satiate the inner workings of my soul
I felt confident enough to throw myself out in the world and try to do what I've wanted to do all along
I had two books in mind
everyone told me the funny book was an easier sell
I had the material
I dedicated a year to putting it together and trying to snag an agent
i'm not saying i was setting myself up for a fall
she sent it out to 15 publishers
hellooooooooooo how the hell do you get to be a known????
&^%#*&^%%$#&* (too polite to translate)
so my agent says
january rolls around and i get an email from my agent
so that left me
my expectations have now been lowered to
the only thing i know
and as long as i keep writing
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