Wednesday, February 26
so i'm on day two of this homeopathic, detox, cleanse, hi-protein, low carb, anti-acid, high oxygen...AAAK %$@^&& thing!
all i can think about is Starbucks....mocha cappucino..or cuban cafe' con lache
or....shit i'd even take a cup of instant nescafe at this point
it's not that i was a coffee-aholic..i mean hello i only had one or two cups a day
it's just that those one or two cups of strong, rich, lush, velvet joe
in some weird way, i feel like i have yet to begin this day or yesterday
other than that
oh my god it's all falling apart
help me lord
herbal mate' tea
lemme see how this goes....
Tuesday, February 25
I have taken the plunge left the world of "if you've got a headache take 35 aspirins and go out dancing"
it was something about having allergy attacks every day since the fall of 2,001 (hmm coincidence or ...something dangerously toxic in the downtown nyc air that still lingers in my sinuses hmmm...conspiracy theory number 313 here...but I don't want mel gibson playing my part, I’d prefer Courtney love)
anyway, I finally got tired of looking like the blonde Jewish version of rudolph the red nosed reindeer and called up the doctor my pal joanna has been telling me is an "absolute genius and I must call him!” for years now
doctor love ( I changed his name here so sue me)...as it turns out cured Joanna's mom of hardening of the arteries..amongst other things and seems to have changed joanna from a voluptuous beauty to a well trimmed amazon....beauty
although I do like a little meat on my birds...but I digress
anyway I was warned that one can not go to see doctor love until one is ready for a complete life makeover
"I was just getting used to the old one...achoooo!"
On my first visit, I sat through a lengthy question and answer session by Love accompanied by his elderly Cuban doctor associate, Doctor Anna who supplies the conventional medicine degrees to satisfy uptight folks and insurance companies.
I knew I was in the right place the second I saw the doctor. He looks like he could be the older uncle of Steven Segal minus a few workouts, ponytail and all and prefers to do his doctor work wearing work-out gear as opposed to medical whites.
"So tell me about your sexual appetite...what does it feel like, "he asked.
Maybe the guy had heard about me??
“If feels like I’m a 5 foot six rabbit! What do you think?! I thought but said instead…well it is sometimes strong.”
“When was the last time you did any drugs?’
“Oh that would be the last time anyone asked a bar band to play Freebird.”
Anyway, Doctor Love asked me more questions than Barbara Walters asked Castro and then Doctor Anna put through me a sort of Chinese medicine check-up that entailed her touching a part on my back and saying, “Oh you’ve been so mis-understood mamita.”
I felt like I was being coddled by a Cuban Doctor Ruth and wanted to hire her to be my grandmother immediately.
Anyway they weren’t done with me yet.
I was then sent to have my blood and urine tested (separate vials) and had to wait two weeks while they analyzed the results.
Are you following me here?
So yesterday was D-day. The good doctor sat me down to tell me just how lousy my system is.
The good news is I’ve got nearly flawless cholesterol! …and a great set of…personality!
The bad news is, my adrenals are shot, my immune system is caplooey, my digestive system has got more acid in it than a grateful dead concert and my pancreas is ready for a vacation to the motherland.
Oh and here’s the part I love. My reward for quitting smoking 14 years ago??
Evident ally due to the elements, shallow breathing, my environment…(.a few more conspiracy theories or two..here) I’ve got as much carbon dioxide in my system as someone who smokes a pack a day!!
Light me up baby! Might as well start smoking right ^%$#^ now!!!
Anyway, naturally I was wondering what was the cause of all my problems.
“Stress,” Doctor Love said.
Oh well that’s nothing. It’s certainly going to be easy to remove the stress from my life. After all what could be stressful about living in Manhattan and working as a caterer for large scale weddings??!
Then he said it; the worst sentence that could ever come out of somebody’s mouth, far worse than anything I could have possibly imagined, “You will have to stop drinking coffee.”
Why Meeeeeeeeee! Why meeeeeee!
Doesn’t anyone here remember Nancy Kerrigan?
Doctor Love showed me a list of the herbal supplements and vitamins he wanted me to take 3 times a day for the next 8 weeks. I figured all I had to do was run out take a quick doctorate level course in chemistry and I’d be able to understand that list pronto.
Then came the next wallop: No alcohol, no sugar, no red meat, no cow products; (cheese, milk, ice cream, you get it), no corn, no fried foods, no soy sauce..oh the list goes on and on dearies.
Basically for the next 8 weeks I’m gonna be downing mountains of pills and nasty tasting things from eyedroppers, whilst rolling around in a bed of crystals listening to Enya and barking at the moon.
To tell you the truth if any of my pals told me they were doing this, I’d laugh myself silly.
Speaking of silly, there is one fringe benefit to all this stuff, whilst in the first 4 to 5 days of detox one experiences a mild euphoric state.
In other words chickitees, I’m stoned immaculate!
Yep…I is wasted on herb…and not the illegal kind.
As to me becoming a new age Wicca priestess and dancing naked round the fire…..??
I’ll keep you posted.
Sunday, February 23
i really have to thank my web mistress
my very gray site was perfect for this nyc mama
honey you didn't even want to see me in Miami
i've been feeling a pull towards orange
all i said to the great matrix was that i wanted some orange
she surprised me with this killer re-design
came home from feeding 160 hungry wedding guests to find that
she’d orangized moi!
i could just plotz
meanwhile i have no idea why but lately i just can’t stand capitalizing anything
so sue me
Saturday, February 22
life is weird man
i've just been catching up on the terrible news about the 95 people just killed in that fire
just a little club concert for by heavy metal band 10 years past their prime
the news flipped over to my home town's stomping ground and the club "the stone pony" where the manager complained that the band had used illegal pyrogenics during their show their as well
someone's gonna go down for this one you know it
it's sad to think of 95 lives lost just because they wanted to re-live some 80's style rock
while i was watching the news, i drifted back to my teen years and to the stone pony
the stone pony wasn't a legendary club when i was growing up on the jersey shore
its amazing what 20 years can do a place
i even feel a pull to go there
as to the boss
this morning i was perusing my web site
the one i sent in the morning of september 11th just a few minutes before i found out the planes had hit the towers
i was light and bitchy and airy and dry and I was rolling in my usual sarcastic NYC bad ass crap
the whole tone had changed
sometimes i wonder if september 11th hadn't happened if i would be like
not a whole lot changed in the last 20 years
i was a punk rock rebel when i graduated high school
hmm not a huge ass switch
who am i now?
but you know the boss changed too since 911
i played his song "rise up" many times
come on and rise up
i still think he sings like he's constipated though
life is weird man
im in a mood
Wednesday, February 19
well there's nothing like being trapped
not that i minded being trapped in provincetown
then i ruined it
i turned on the news
i'd say it was more about the 25,000 bucks that saddam has given to the families of Palestinian suicide bombers as a reward for a job well done
you know i'd forgotten all about the 25k rewards the man who rules a country crippled by poverty routinely gives out the the families of suicide scumbags
totally forgot about that
so here's what i'm thinking
and let's just put out a global offer
wanna guess how many stones will nail that mo-fo
i'd say all of the poverty stricken Iraq folks
yep 25k if you hit him with a stone
why bother to go to war
Friday, February 14
to our lovely new homeland security chief
to the anti-war protestors..yes i support your right to protest
just a thought here...but since the whole wide world is chanting for NO WAR
march over to Iraq and scream at him for awhile too
so spread the protests around and give saddam a hefty dose of what you've got to say...he's the real prick
it's fitting that I say at least something in tribute to
so while you're out there protesting the war
find somebody around you
i don't care of its the toll booth collector at the midtown tunnel!
ain't I romantic?
Wednesday, February 12
lately it feels like my own life has had more than its far share of terror
my cat needed emergency surgery and has spent the last two weeks on pain killers wearing one of those cones around his head and giving me the saddest eyes in the universe
my upstairs neighbor has decided to advance from just being an inconsiderate jerk to being a full on %$#&* psycho and has taken to stomping on his floor (my ceiling) in the late night and early morning hours
when i called him up to ask him to stop he told me to "move the fuck out"
i moved the fuck to dialing "911' instead
the Jewish community center that i use as a gym went from having a bag check at the door to having a security process including metal detector wand that would make airport security look like a picnic
my work outs are better now,the adrenalin from the little hint of panic as you walk in the door is great for sit-ups
my two year anniversary with my other half turned into a night of processing...with no champagne...but lots of flowers
we're sulking now and sipping coffee....but we're still here
and on top of all of this
i have to go back into work mode with three huge events back-to-back
i find myself, pooped, fed up, raw and pissed off
in other words i'm in the perfect mood for an orange alert world
well come through me first
to kick the living shit out of you
so bring it on
hell hath no fury like a downtown New York City bitch
Monday, February 10
ok so i watched colin powell address the U.N.
i guess i was left where i had been before.
but then that's never been my apprehension about taking him out pronto
my fear is that...with the threat of us attacking him hanging over his head
but if we just attack him, than he will mostly likely pull out all his nasty little secret weapons that he probably has hidden in his underwear drawer and his plumbing system
i also do think it's important to prove our case, to land the world support we need
i know he has to go
i think even he knows he has to go
but it's the how and when that's tricky
i must say as a writer, caterer, painter, NYer, i feel qualified to bitch and moan and kvetch and rally about a whole list of many and assorted things
but i don't feel qualified to rant on this one
i'm still sitting on the fence
i can only hope that some of the higher ups have a lot more no-how
but i will tell you this
they damn well better take his ass out this time
i'll tell you something else too
if we decide to annihilate him
then i won't hear of anyone
if we go to war
yes i'm on the fence
Friday, February 7
sheesh i feel like i'm in some sick kid's game
or Simon Says
but so ok, we're now on orange alert
and we're just supposed to go about our lives like nada is wrong
ok..hmmm well i'm guessing i'll be okay in the east village since all the buildings are small, there's no major economic symbols (less you count the drug dealers)
but just what exactly are we supposed to do to prepare ourselves
heard on the news that you're supposed to have an emergency procedure practiced
how would that go exactly?
let's say for instance botulism is released all around you
"kids now don't breathe...whatever you do, mommy says don't breathe!"
or how bout a bomb takes out one of our major bridges?
"Um driver...would you mind shutting the meter off.."
I mean hello! This is not our parents war. This is not about air raids and bomb shelters.
It's about chemicals, air born disease, planes flying into sky scrapers..
How exactly do you prepare for that?
Buy tons of water?
hmm okay, well at least in the event of nuclear war we won't be thirsty
could someone please for the love of god someone tell our president
i think if i hear him say that one more time
our hearts a twitter
and we do exactly the only thing we can do
we go on
turn on the TV
pour a glass of wine
order stir fry
clip our toe nails
hey if I'm dying
Thursday, February 6
can i just say
i glanced at the armed guard staring at me from the hallway
i looked out the window from the 15th floor and tried to figure out where the world trade center had been
i looked at the somewhat hazy image of Colin Powell showing photos, playing audio tapes, slowly...carefully...laying out the many pieces of evidence against Saddam Hussein.
I had just come up from almost being part of a jury for a murder trial that would have dragged on for four weeks..thankfully they excused the self-employed
everything seemed surreal
ground zero, the criminal court building, the call to war, the vending machine,
just a weird day
just a weird ass day
Tuesday, February 4
lately it seems like being a New Yorker
As of Feb 1st, we now have to dial an area code even if we want to call our next door neighbor. I had to re-program all the numbers in my internet dial up and the Chinese food number thats permanently etched in my brain ( shut up) now requires an area code. Course we all know what's next. Yep it'll be a toll call to dial anyone more than 10 blocks away. Probably be considered another country if it's over any of the bridges. Hmmm then again....
After "911" youda thunk our new rich boy mayor would have done everything imaginable to make us love him.
But in fact el richo has done much the opposite.
He decides to save jobs by subjecting property owners to the largest tax hike in NYC history....18 and 1/2 %!!!
What happened to 8% and then maybe 6% from somewhere else and another few dollars from somewhere else.
I suppose this was a rob from the rich give to the poor idea, but guess what condos and co-ops got hit up the wazoo and most NYers I know have spent their last many years scrambling to stop throwing their rent money down the toilet and into a mortgage instead.
So what's the reward?
You finally bought your own little apartment just in time to watch your monthly bite go up like a 100 bucks or more...
Then richie rich takes on smoking. His idea was to save the employees by banning smoking in bars.
Hello! People who opt to work in bars kinda know the deal.
Why not at least give the bars a smoking section.
Course the millionare bar owners will be able to comply with the super expensive highly ventilated private room loophole.
But mom and pop bars may lose just enough business to put them out of business.
And speaking of the small business owner.
I'm one. I'm the chef, sales person, manager and occasional pot washer. Now I have to go to jury duty. Used to be when you were a solo owner, this excused you. Not know. So in these economic times, I need to close my business down for a week. Yeah, ok maybe you're thinking that makes me sound un-patriotic, but you know what..it's my duty to stay in business and if I close a lot of part time
So which is better?
Yep I'll be sitting in that big room waiting for them to call me for day after day after day,the big room that won't let you turn your cell phone on and meanwhile client, after client after client will be going elsewhere.
It's enough to make you wanna smoke...but you can't.
It's enough to make you wanna drink..but you spent your play money on an 18 and 1/2% tax increase.
It's enough to make you wanna just fart.
That, evidentally, you're still allowed to do.
Saturday, February 1
This morning I went out to the corner café for my usual 1:00 in the afternoon breakfast and walked into a crowd of shocked faces staring at a soundless television on which a streak of smoked was plummeting to earth.
I felt a chill cover my skin.
The caption beneath the streak of smoke breaking into smaller streaks read, “Israeli astronaut.”
I felt a wad of anxiety well up in my throat.
"Had they shot bombs at another passenger jet and this time hit their mark?
Then I thought what do astronauts have to do with passenger jets?
A deja vus of how I felt the morning of “911” came over me. It was almost overwhelming.
I assumed this was a terrorist act of some kind.
“What happened?’ I asked the waitress.
“Space shuttle disintegrated…7 astronauts dead.."
"Was the first Israeli in space," she said.
"They say it's not terrorism," she added reading my thoughts.
In that moment I felt un-sure of what was more horrific, the death of 7 people or the timing of the death of 7 astronauts on an American space shuttle with the first Israeli astronaut to go to space.
Bad timing for America...we've had so much sadness.
Bad timing for Israel... they needed something good to happen in a sea of bad.
Terrible deja vus for us all.
A deja vus for "911" a deja vus for the last horrible space shuttle disaster.
I am thinking of 1986 and The Challenger and the sadness and helplessness of witnissing the deaths of those astronauts.
Today's horror comes with a mixed bag of emotions.
We witnessed on our televisions or perhaps from the sky, the death of 7 innocents, we felt sadness in our hearts, but un-like 1986, this time, we are also filled with fear.
We are also asking questions.
Was this an accident?
Is there terror?
At this point it seems the answer is no.
At this point the answer is, there is no answer, only death and sadness and loss.
My heart goes out to the familys of these 7 heroes who dedicated their lives to the pursuit of science.
You will not be forgotten.
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