ok
ill admit it
i get the blues during the holidays
growing up we had chanukah but we lived in environments that were 90 to 95% christian so i always felt left out on christmas and well our family didn't celebrate new years much
and i wanted to
now
well i celebrate first night of chanukah not all 8 because honey thats too much of a commitment and I try to light candles on last night as well.. then i go to friends for christmas eve
usually walk around feeling weird and out of sorts of christmas day
and have always tried to be with the one i love on new years
and if, like now, she is no more... the one..
and the one.. of my future life has yet to appear
then i feel its all the more critical to surround myself with as much love as i can
on new years
i do put a heightened weight on holidays
and some of the biggest
feelings of loss i have felt in my lifetime were
over disappointment from these holidays
certainly being alone
as i have for some
or being alone in a crowd
as i have for others
or working
as i did many a year
is to big a burden for this sentimental soul
my close buddy mihala
says his rule is to never expect a thing from holidays
ignore them entirely and then never be disapointed
but i have this post card in my head
of the pretty home
filled with love
filled with laughter
filled with family (or adopted family)
and i need all that
and so i create my own
lovely home
and open up my heart and my spirit to share love and laughter
with my friends and adopted family
and i go to the lovely
warm
love filled homes of adopted family and close friends
and spread and share the warmth
i woud like to be less sentimental
far less sensitive about the holidays
and i may very well work on this
i certainly would like to not get the blues
but until then and regardless
creating
and sharing
and spreading as much love as i can
seems like the way to go
go away blues
happy holidays
i plan to do on christmas what i did
some years ago
buy some ziplocs
pour my huge bucket of change that i collect all year into as many bags as i can carry
and pass them out to the homeless
i will drag jaded mihala with me he doesnt know yet
its a great way to spend the day
