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well here's something only a few people in the world know
during a snowstorm on the freezing tip of cape cod
in january of 2004
i sat in my not nearly heated enough
150 sq foot
writers retreat pad that overlooked the white snowy bay
and started to purge a case of new years eve blues
turned into full scale heart break
into a short story

this is one of the great gifts of
being blessed with a creative urge
the amazing outlet

im fairly sure i would have
gone la la
were it not for this

anyway
ive never been able to write more then 30 pages
im a lots of short stories
lotsa memoir kinda girl
so i grabbed a box of tissues
and sniffled my way into what i thought would be a teary eyed short story
a bit of autobiographical fiction
that would showcase some sort of world class betrayal
then i could drink a few bottles of wine
and move on

but the short story didn't want to end
so after 50 or so pages
i decided just to write until it was done
and it kept going
the story took me thru a long, complex
journey where three main characters
are far more then they appear to be
and far more then i knew they were

at 200 pages
this being single spaced
which means 400 pages in book land
i began to want off the ride
i wanted the story to end so i could move on with my life
but the story
much like the story that had inspired me to sit down and write in the first place
had not reached its destination

finally in the summer of 2005
just before my birthday
i told my pal debilah
i want off
and she said
it will end when youre ready for it to end
when youre ready for the real story to end

and i went for a walk
suddenly felt the message enter my head
and ran back to my writers desk
to end the book
in just a few short pages
and it was the right ending
the long dreamt about
dream ending

having actually sat down
and written
yes i will say it
a novel
i assumed
that it was a huge pile of mental masturbation
un--readable
but then i let two close friends read it
including la c, (yes la c)
and my amazing editrix the great nancy aka jill matrix
la c loved it amazingly

and the matrix
only asked for a few minor revisions
which i will work on shortly
but ultimately
la editrix
really really (sally field moment) liked it!

so im left
utterly dumbfounded
with the possibility sitting on my lap
that i may have actually sat down
and written
a readable
novel?!?

not sure what to do next
but once
ive worked on a revision or two
and its been edited
i may just send it out and see if it flies
but even if it never does
knowing that i was actually capable of writing
a book
has changed me
as a writer

now nothing seems impossible
and now more then ever before
i can look upon
every drop of pain
as gas in the tank
fuel to create

and it is a grand feeling
giving birth
to something
timeless

now if only i could get over that
need to be famous, rich and successful stuff
and just stay thrilled with the creative
experience
everything would be just dandy

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