had something of an odd experience recently
i was "outed"
yes "outed"
i know, i know, haven't i done that for myself..rather loudly
yeah
but this was different
a magazine that wrote about me
called me an "OUT LESBIAN CHEF"
now,
first off,
i hate the word lesbian
always have
sounds like a skin disease
and second of all
i've never heard those two words together pertaining to me
were they to have said
fabulous chef who happens to be gay
it might have suited me a bit better
anyway
i digress
the point is
and maybe cause nobody asked me...
it made me feel weird
and i had to go and sit down and think about why
and process
after all
i am the cheerleader of urging people on
when they are in positions to be a role model
to come out loud and proud
and honey
ive been about as loud and proud as a girl can be
so why did it make me feel un-comfortable
seeing it in print
and why doesn't it bother me when its in print in my creative life?
like here on my site
but bugged me
when grouped with chef and pertaining to my professional life?
i had to think about it for a spell
what i came up with is this..
i like that people wonder what my story is
that they meet me and don't just know
i like that often i meet extremely homophobic people
and then after fully winning them over
they find out
and sometimes
this changes them
just a little
it even happened here on my site
i had readers who adored me
or so they said..
and then found out
and some stayed
and learned
and some didn't
their loss
but in my catering life
maybe its different
i have become mostly a wedding caterer
didn't start out that way
but 15 years later
thats what ive become famous for in nyc
who woulda guessed it?
and as such
i meet a lot of very very
hip brides and grooms
and very very VERY
conservative parents
i like that the bride and groom
love that im a groovy east village babe
and maybe get that i might be gay or maybe just dont give a rat's tuchas
but their parents just see the part of me
that's professional, cares about their kid
and wants to make it all wonderful
i'm sure most of the parents would be shocked
and maybe bothered by it
but once their kids wedding is over
and they are thrilled
they don't care whether i am a martian
a robot
or a woman
i made the wedding they wanted
and thats all that matters
but before the wedding?
uh uh honey
best to keep things quite simple
and all about the middle ground for some of these parents
anyway
all that aside
i had to wonder
was there any shame here?
was any of the reason that this bothered me so much
because i have internalized homphobia
self hate?!
lord knows
it would be normal enough
i don't think so...but who knows how much of that religious judaism
from my childhood might have crept in somewhere deep and gone to war with my...out loud and proud warrior woman
today...with the Christian right
really going to war against gay marriage
and our own president wanting to amend the constitution to deny it
its not a good time to feel shaky about pride
pride is the power that fuels a movement
always has been
i've got pride
i've got power
i've got the
accept as i am or bug off thing going too
so i guess
oh mostly
i guess
i was pissed that the magazine didn't ask if it was okay first
but then
who woulda guessed
myself included
that someone as out there as me
wanted to be asked?
now
about
changing that word
lesbian
any ideas?
theres gotta be something nicer
what do you think of
sapphirite..?
