you know i've been thinking a lot about september 11th these last few days
and no
not about who to blame
and how much to blame them
but about how it felt
to me
to be in downtown Manhattan that terrible morning
if you've read any of my "911" stuff
then i don't have to go into the whole sordid thing
the sight
the smell
the terrible terror
and horror
and hell
most of you
felt it too
but what i've been thinking about these last few days
is how september 11th lives in my world now
today
it has become so much a part of my fabric
my very being
that i now, rarely note the difference between what part of me and my life is altered from this terrible day
and what part is not
i know before '911' i hated going under ground, into the Holland Tunnel
or the Lincoln Tunnel
but that was because of the smell, the fumes..the claustrophic feeling
now i hate going in the tunnels because i always get the same image
of the tunnel blowing up
and millions of gallons of water crushing me
i take the bridge
the traffic is often heavier
but this way i get to die on top
not on the bottom
and plus hey i don't have to pay the toll
i can not go to my fave place in the warm weather
without instinctively looking towards where the world trade center had always been
trying to trace the empty space in the sky
and remembering how they looked like smoldering cigarettes
remembering how they fell like decks of silver cards
i can not go to the wall street area without trying to recall what the towers used to look like from each vantage point as i pass
i can not see a fireman, a firetruck or a firehouse without thinking of '911' and the heroes who died
without thinking about the men with the bloody hands and vacant eyes
who i fed in those early days of september 2001
when a firecracker goes off
when one too many sirens go by
when the lights flicker in a storm
when the news says, stay tuned for a special report
i always freeze for a moment and wonder
is this the day?
is it happening again?
i came to new york in 1981
and moved to one of its worst brooklyn neighborhoods
high crime nyc was my introduction to adulthood
i have emotional scars from those days
i am defensive to the core
i never
ever
like to have anyone walking behind me
i am what you might call
a "seasoned new yorker"
but now i am something else
i am a "pre 911" new yorker
a person who remembers the towers as being a part of my every day life
who took for granted that they would always be there
a person who remembers what it was like to worry as you approached the midtown tunnel, but that was only worry about how heavy the traffic might be..
so yes
im changed
forever i guess
as many of you are too
i don't know who in American politics is to blame for "911"
or how much to blame them..
and i guess...that's not quite the place i want to put my energy
i feel its better served worrying about making sure this never
happens again
and that the lessons of brotherhood/sisterhood
heroism
bravery
selflessness that rose up in this great city
and this great country
in the fall of 2001
is never forgotten
join with me will you?
say a prayer for all of us
that we don't get so caught up in power struggles
and political bullshit
that we forget what's really important
being happy,
being kind,
being peaceful,
being decent to each other..
