well here i am
its spring
and i find myself at the beginning of what feels like a major life change
how do i know? you ask..
it's just a feeling
usually brought on by a huge disaster of some kind
then followed by anger.. a touch of madness and some fear
what comes next is hope
for a 30-something babe (YES DAMN IT I AM STILL IN MY 30'S) for a little longer anyway
for a woman as young as moi..ive had quite a few life changes
there were several growing up
but they weren't with my approval
such as being moved from town to town
school to school
but my first major self created life change
came in the summer between 8th grade and high school
i left the 8th grade a shy, quiet, wreck of a girl in large sweaters to hide my body and greasy hair
i turned up in high school a few months later
as Janis Joplin, jeans , cigarettes, rock and roll and a pint of hiram walker blackberry brandy
something happened in that summer
the shy weak girl was melted away by the sun in miami
by romance
by someone telling me i was beautiful
and by a huge waft of bad-ass-ness that thankfully has never left me
my next big life change
came when i left home at 16
and moved from a ritzy little town on the jersey shore
to a high crime neighborhood in brooklyn during its high crime era
i went into battle mode and have been a warrior mama ever since
then came my decision after my first major heart-break
to leave the world of late-night bartending
and start my own catering business
many a rocky year
with money worries after that
but that survivor mode thing paid off
14 years later im still cranking
then came the death of my mother
which turned my world around
and turned me from a party hardy gal
into a sort of introspective mama
i can still kick it up
but honey
i've never been shallow again after that one
nada bit
then september 11th happened
and everything i believed was torn from me
i watched 3,000 people die at my doorstep
went down there
as a volunteer and stood just 20 feet from the smoldering hole of what once was the south tower..the pain, death, devastation surrounding me
has never left my soul
and i doubt it ever will
from that point on
i was never
for a single moment
innocent again
and now comes today
the love of my life is lost to me
after so much trying
so much hoping
so much dreaming
and yes so much praying
we have both thrown in the towel
and i am watching that towel
fly in the air, get caught by the wind
toss around a bit
but ultimately land in a crumbled heap
of loss
a death
certainly a death
of so many things
and through the sadness
and the anger
and the "why, why, why?"
WHY?!
comes this voice
this tiny voice
and it whispers
"new day" "new world"
and i feel that old familiar tug again
and i know that yes
here i go
about to change my entire universe yet again
how vast will the change be?
will i leave new york?
change careers?
become a different me?
travel?
leave the country?
leave the east village?
learn to fly?
oh who knows
who knows
but its coming
change
change
its coming
and there's nothing i can do
to stop it
so ill keep you posted dear readers
look for many adventures to come
i have no idea what kind
and while we are on the subject
a great new friend and i are running off to new orleans for this weekend
i expect to find many an adventure while im there
or at least some beauty
and some magic
and a chance to get to know my new friend a little better
ill keep you posted
meanwhile
i'm trying to grow wings
do you think a little salt on the shoulder blades would work?
