so thanksgiving is upon us
in a few days we will eat far too much food with our families, our lovers, our friends, our cats, our dogs, maybe a few ex-lovers
but some of us will be alone and most likely very sad on this special holiday
and it is to you lonely folks that i dedicate today's post...
on Thanksgiving if you do find yourself sad and alone...or with people you hate and feeling quite alone...just remember it could always be worse...you could be spending thanksgiving the way i did for the first 16 years of my life..
with my loud, badly mannered family..who sat in the kitchen
around a dinette table covered with a plastic cloth...on which were small horrifying flower designs... that would later remind me of a bad acid trip
mom always served Kosher roast chicken, (cause she hated to cook turkey...takes too long to defrost)
asparagus out of the can, (never knew it came any other way till i moved out)
iceburg lettuce with no dressing, (cause dressing is you know weird)
burnt steak, (cause mom never figured out that it took steak less time to cook then chicken and put them in the oven at the same time)
left-over bread that bakery sold for 10cents,(you would use it to play handball later on...)
followed by that special family favorite...tiny packets of McDonalds ketchup and mustard...
We had cranberry sauce once I think...it came out of the can and sat t here in the middle of the table, this red, can shaped thing wiggling in the breeze...I still have nightmares that that thing is chasing me in the night as I run screaming and it just
jumps after me...bong, bong, bong....
and you wonder why i became a caterer
anyway
thanksgiving at my house was never just about the food
oh no
it was more about the guilt
each dish was served with a sermon about how long my mom suffered to make this
or how far she had to travel to find kosher meat
or all the things she didn't do today and yesterday
because she was too busy
you know
opening the can...
then after we were seated
came the Ross family symphony
my father would eat in gigantic bites..chewing with huge motions
akin perhaps to Mr. Ed...he could down a meal in three swallows
and ask for seconds before i was even halfway into my charcoal crusted beef jerky
my brother played with his food, and did what he spent most of his childhood doing trying to terrorize my sister and myself
if throwing food at us didnt work
he would resort to picking his nose
my sister just stared at her food
ate little
asked for money several times in the meal
and then resumed staring at her food
and mom
mom
well she expelled an enormous
amount of gas
while walking around the table
serving us
then after satisfying herself that the aroma
had ruined any chance of even tasting what little there was left of flavor
she would sit down and
start to lecture us the kids
about how rotten we were
one year we invited Mr. Thompson (MR. T.) our old man neighbor over for thanksgiving...he was happy at first but halfway into it
he took on a dazed and misty eyed look that I've only ever seen when folks drive by a really really bad traffic accident..
he made excuses the following year ("Gonna eat at the church")
"take me with you" i thought...but knew mom would never let me go inside a church
she was convinced i would be kidnapped, brainwashed and turned into a "Jews for Jesus" upon entry..
and then there was me
at the thanksgiving table
Rossi
then known as Slovah Davidah Shana Bas Hannah Rachel
don't even try to say it
i was the anthropoligist
it was my mission to survive this experience
and live to tell about
live to write about
and i have
and i do
and im here
and you
my dear
sweet
lonely lost
souls
will not
i repeat will not
have to spend thanksgiving with my family
so rejoice
turn on the TV
eat some Chinese food
or turkey stir fry
have a beer
put your feet up
and say to yourself
there are worse things in life
than being alone on T-Day
smoooches
