I’m not a religious woman
yes I was raised to be
but I’m not
maybe because I’ve seen so much of the hypocrisy of organized religion
maybe because I’m smart enough to know that the bible must have been influenced by far too many MALE opinions to count
maybe because I’ve seen so much death and terror in the name of religion
and maybe
MOSTLY
because I’ve found my own way
my own special blend of spirituality
that tells me
that whatever happens to us after our lives our over
we will not go to heaven or go to a wonderful place
simply because we have managed to follow the chosen religion
we will not be resurrected while others remain underground
simply because we have managed to follow the chosen religion
we will not meet 72 virgins
because we have murdered while suiciding ourselves for the chosen religion
I know in my heart that what happens to us
after we die
will be better
if we are better
will be worse if we
are worse
and that's all that I know
that and that something does happen to us after we die
my own
personal belief
is that after we die
we become a strip of energy
we are whittled down to the intangible life force
some call the soul
and than as this energy
we join the energy of the universe
we no longer feel
separate
we no longer feel
the limits of our flesh
we feel like a part of all that has even been
we know all that has ever been known
and if we chose to live our lives in goodness
we feel the gratitude or hundreds of millions of souls
and if chose to live our life in evil
we feel the tears of hundreds of millions of souls
that’s my own personal
somewhat fuzzy belief
and its based on an experience I had with my mother a few days after she died
which i will share with you in memoirable
one day when I’m courageous enough
now
that being sad
let me also say
that I am a jew
how can I say all that I have just said
and then say I am a jew?
simply this
this is the religion that has embraced
and has often caused the death of
and the life of my family for generations going back
into perhaps the beginning
no one knows of any other diversion in my family ancestry
it is the religion of my mother
who created for me everything that feels like home
good and bad
it is the religion that makes me feel like I’m going home
as a gay woman
I do not feel welcome
in an orthodox synagogue
and to tell you truth
as a woman ..gay or not
I did not feel welcome in an orthodox synagogue
to sit up in the tower
while the men below recited all the prayers
to have to cover my body
or cover my hair
and never raise my voice in song
while the men danced and sang below
is wrong to me on every level
but slowly
I have found my own place
in NYC there is a "Shul" called Congregation Beth Simchat Torah..
It is the first and I hope many will join
gay and lesbian and transgender synagogue and is also open to all those
friends and family and people who can embrace each other regardless of sexuality..
so far I’ve seen just as many straight people in services as i have seen gay
and I like that..people together standing against homophobia
today is Rosh Hashanah
I went to "shul" last night and being a "high holiday Jew" I pretty much only go to shul on Rosh Hashanah or Yom Kippur..
I forget how cleansing it all feels..
Rosh Hashanah is the new beginning..the opening of the books.. a chance to make amends and to change your course...
Yom Kippur is the solemn closing of the books..your last chance to search your soul for all that must be changed for all that must be forgiven..
I think of this in some ways as a huge once-a-year confession... and it some ways it is..
What I like about my shul is that being set up around a community that has felt so cast out it has also..set itself up to be open to meditations ..almost a new ageish way of praying and makes you feel like however you want to do it
its just fine..
I felt my heart rest for the first time in a few weeks when i walked in last night..
I liked that the nighttime service was quiet.. most had opted to go in the morning..
I loved the way it ended with us all dipping our apples in honey
“For a Sweet New Year!”
La Shana Tovah!!
And I mostly loved this feeling of going home..
In the end…I know in my heart that it won’t matter whether or not I was Jewish to whoever this thing is we call the higher power..
It will only matter how I lived my life and how good I was to other people and how much love I could muster up…
For me being Jewish helps me to do those things..I don’t try to make too much sense of it..
I just follow my heart..
Last night I prayed for La Cubana and for her sister taken from her life so very young and for her mother who seems to be having so much trouble making it through this and for my own mother who I hope is in a wonderful place…
And maybe silently without even acknowledging it in my conscious mind I send some good will to myself too…
And I think
That’s okay.
