so my nephew who has just turned 19 was in town staying with me for a few days..
dru stays with me once a year usually in the summer and i always feel like its my god given right to de-redneck him in those few days before i send him back to north carolina
i'd love to say that i plan all kinds of great things for when he comes to town; theatre tickets, met games, dinner reservations..but the big ass problem with
dru is that his taste does a 360 degree turn between his visits
the last time he came to town all he cared about was basketball, rap and wrestling preferably at the same time...
so we wound up in this wrestle mania place where my brain got blown out by loud music and screaming testosterone freaks all for a hefty sum of cash
this time around he announced he wanted to be an actor
so we went to the discount theatre kiosk on broadway
i let him pick the tix and he opted for something neither one of us had ever heard of
called
"boobs"
i think dru thought it would be porno
i thought it would be a bette midler revival
turned out to be a mediocre cabaret act not on broadway but on the upper west side
in which mediocre cabaret singers performed semi dirty music
including such ditties as "you've gotta have boobs"
and "the best little dingy in the navy"with dingy really meaning dick
and lots of cross dressing
but it was entertaining so I was cool with it
but then dru dropped a nice big bomb on me
turns out my adorable little nephew who i rocked to sleep
and who i will always see in my mind as a toddler in diapers
now smokes, drinks and has used other illicit substances which he will not elaborate on
now i admit that when i was 19
i smoked
i drank
i did a few ( A LOT) other illicit substances too
lived on my own in brooklyn
and was a wild ass bitch from HELL….
but that was me
and this is him
him
my adorable little boy
my sweet darlin nephew
and he is NOT SUPPOSED TO GROW UP AND BOOZE, SMOKE AND TOKE!
he also decided to let me know that he is shall we say um sexually active
and active being the understatement of the century!!!!
oy fucking vey!!!!
ok ok
so i tried to remember that im supposed to be the cool aunt and all
the one he actually looks forward to seeing
but shit
this was a lot to digest
so i compromised…
i lectured him about smoking
and drugs and sex
but let him have a beer
that’s fair isn't it?
anyway
on his second day
we walked about a hundred blocks
passed by a kazillion stores that he thought
SUCKED
covered little italy
where he had some manicotti
which he said was
sorta OK
marched thru
soho- he thought rather boring
the village-ok cause there was a basketball game there
and druggies in the park to stare at
Chinatown-too much fish
etc
went home
changed
went out
ate more- hamburger for him..dru will only eat four things, hamburger, pizza, pasta and bagel with creamcheese…
and wound up at a Dangerfields
comedy club
now ive been living in nyc for 22 years and there a few things i have never ever done
one of them is go to a comedy club
(largely because no new yorker who’s not in the biz goes to these places...i was the only non tourist there)
and the other thing i have never done
is associate with someone who smokes menthols
dru!! salems for crying out loud!!
if you have to smoke
everyone knows menthol is for sissys
go marlboro or drop it
ok ok maybe a camel
but Salem’s??
anyway
mostly what i found out this trip
was how much dru hated most kinds of food
most kinds of entertainment
most kinds of people
most kinds of music
most things in TV
and everywhere he had ever lived
its hard to imagine one could become that dissatisfied with life at 19
i did discover that he really likes
comedians who talk about their genitals
beer
smoking in public
rap/rock (whatever that is)
nine inch nails...the kind you listen too i believe
and arizona ice tea
which means that by the time i see him again
and i have my fridge filled with ice tea
cds by this nail group piled on the table
tickets bought for andrew dice clay
etc
he will inform me that he has decided to embrace shakespeare
or um
reggae
who knows
sigh
i guess being a mom must be hard
i only do it for a few days a year
and im wooped
this old auntie is gonna take a long nap
wake me up next week
next time I’m gonna get sneakers with arch supports
or something
ok ok
yeah
I still want kids
But not today okay?
Not today.
----
Oh Hey Speaking of 360 degree turns
let me do one of my own right
now
i just need to send a shout out to Toronto
hey babies you did it
gay marriage in Toronto
way to go dudes!
woooo hoooooo
now all i have to do is trick la cubana into a little trip to canada for a little r&r and the ill slip her a mickey or whatever they call those things
and well get hitched
heheheheheh
hhehehehehe
i need a nap
really
really bad
