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Friday, May 23

ready to let lose with the goods

okay
i'm gonna throw it all on the line today

here it is
my writing life in one rant

came to nyc to paint
started to write when the paint dried

been writing professionally
well for peanuts but still its called professionally right?
for about 12 years

my first column
was the food column in a little itty bitty mag
called "Provincetown Magazine'
still there the mag
wrote the column for 2 years
I used to write it in the front yard of my piece of shit bungalow
in p-town that i got for 400 bucks a month in exchange for taking out other people's trash...dated some of that trash too..but i digress

next column was a restaurant review column for the now defunct
"Greenwich Village Press"
that was fun but man did i gain weight from that one

after that was the "Manhattan Spirit"
wrote a column for them in which i would go to work with a different interesting
west side manhattanite and do a day in the life of column
the best one was when i spent a day in the life of the casting director of the "Conan Obrian Show"

I penned an interview column for "The Flatiron News' in which i took B level celebrities out to dinner and interviewed them over food and booze
it was called, "MY Dinner with Rossi"
some of those B celebs went up to A status
like aaron eckhart
and philip seymour hoffman
and edie falco

hmmm okay then came
what was supposed to be my BIG BREAK
Abe (now in jail) Hirshfeld
pissed off that he only owned the New York Post
for five minutes
started his own daily

"Open Air Pm"

the offices were in the hotel pennsylvania
hirshfeld often tried to drag his female staff members to various rooms there
sometimes he succeeded
yech
there were like hmmm 70 staff members
lots of hurrrah and hooplah
after a couple months of freelance gigs
like "best dive bars"
"best french fries"
they gave me my dream column
"MOUTHING OFF"
in this bi-weekly column i basically got to bitch about everything that annoyed me
kinda
almost exactly like i do here
i wrote 6 of them and then
one week before christmas.. hirshfeld
locked the offices
closed the paper
fired everyone
with no notice
we just showed up for work and were greeted by a padlock
and note that said we were canned
merry christmas mo-fos
i'm glad the jerk is in jail
i was owed about 2,500 bucks at the time
and never got paid
my star had plummeted before it rose

after crying for about 6 months
i dusted myself off
and submerged myself into a sea of free-lance gigs
for the new york post
the daily news
time out new york
the black book

i put myself through the nauseating process of
pitching and being rejected by
idiots fresh out of college who happened to have just the right amount of hip-ness
i wrote things i was was not proud of
i felt like a big loser
writing copy that coulda been done by a chimp
i was the chimp chump
and i decided that
right then and there
that i'd rather
write for no one
or for little mags with a distribution of 2,000 then sell my soul

next up VOILA
was "The Mountain Eagle"
a local paper in the Catskills
that probably didn't have more than a few thousand readers
but you know what
i loved my column so much
it was an op-ed
about everything that bothered me
kinda sorta like this but wackier
i wrote in the voice of an alcoholic sex aholic
40ish woman
trapped in the mountains
think karen from "will and grace" but older, bitchier and drunker
loved it
but they canned me for not being PC enough
wonder why?

then came "Bust" magazine
a column i still pen to this day
i love bust
i'm busting out
i want the world to know
la la la
anyway
my column is aptly named
"Eat Me"
and i teach the woman power babes
how to cook from the seat of their go-go shorts

next came my biggest brush with fame
followed by my biggest crash
Molly O'Neill
of nytimes fame
found me
yes she found me
and asked me to be a featured columnist for her new start
up
"One BIG TABLE"
it was supposed to be the biggest thing in food
since sundried tomatoes
a web site that would put martha stewart to shame
hmm well that already happened didn't it martha
shamme on you
and epicurious to shame too
ONE BIG TABLE was to be the god of food sites
all the biggies were signed on board
julia child
jacque pepin
Molly herself
you name it

and molly
who i am still pals with today
HI MOLLY
reached into my soul
plucked out my dreams and presented them to me
on a welll garnished
silver shimmering platter
i was to be her discovery
"someone just waiting to pop"
as she said
and i started to write
what followed were 9 months
of feeling like a SUPERSTAR
my recipes were tested by
a team of recipe testers
the photographer from"Food and Wine"
magazine came into my home to shoot me
in my chef mama look
i had an editor
who make me feel like a goddess
then finally....the site came up for a sneak preview
for all the industry folks
hurray they liked me
they liked me
they really really liked me

and just as it was about to launch
the backers pulled out
the dot coms plummeted

and ONEBIGTABLE folded
overnight like a napkin
it was worse than a miscarriage
it was
a still birth

and i was left
all dressed up
with no place to saute'

after i dusted myself off from the carnage
i made a decision
everything happens for a reason

i was not meant to be a food writer when i grew up
actually i am not meant to grow up at all....
i was meant to be writer mostly of memoirs
and some autobiographical fiction
who cooks for a living
and therefore writes a lot about food

guess im saying i feel closer to "Kitchen Confidential"
then "the Joy of Cooking"

so i sat down
and started to work on a book of memoirs
i compiled the stuff i had already written
mixed in some new stuff
and spent a year trying to get an agent

then
oh my god
last year
in the spring
i landed an agent
she was awesome
seemed tailor picked for moi
a whippersnapper that one..
who in her spare time
sparred
yeah in the ring...she was a boxing agent
how perfect
she spent 3 months with me working on a book proposal
and when it was all together
she sent it out to 16 publishers last fall
i was so ready
i was plotzing
all over
this time
i would get my book deal
i knew it!

16 rejections came back
they were essentially all the same

"we love rossi"
"we love the idea"
"we love the writing"
"great regional platform"

HOWEVER
IN THESE ECONOMIC TIMES
WE SIMPLY CAN NOT PUBLISH THE MEMOIRS
OF SOMEONE WHO IS NOT KNOWN ON A NATIONAL LEVEL

the end

shortly after that
my agent was laid off
and i've been in literary limbo ever since

tried some other agents
all said the same thing
down economy
walk away little girl
come back when you've slept with a major celebrity
or murdered someone
we'll publish you then

angelina jolie
are you available?

so here i am 12 years later
ive got a computer filled with memoirs
and some fiction i think would knock your socks off
ive got three book proposals
and a mountain of press clippings
and ive got nada
nyet
nothing
nilch

no home for my serious work
no agent
no publisher
no ascending star
just my good looks
and my rocking personality

but i do have something
i never used to have
i've got you

yes you

my friends
my supporters
my readers
a few of my ex-lovers
one or two family members who hate that i wrote about them
one person who hates me and checks this site periodically to see if im dead
and just a whole buncha folks who are passing through
i've got you
here now
reading me
commenting
thinking
i've got you
and that makes me feel like telling the mainstream world
to screw themselves

cause blog
is power
blog
is good
blog
is what the hell is blog
anyway

what i'd like to do is take some advice
from jeff jarvis
youll see his site here "warblog"
and take the bull by the kischka
and start a work of the week thing
on this site
ill put up a memoir of the week
and invite your comments
your feedback
and your old shoes
and meanwhile
i'll send out an open call
to anyone in the universe
who can publish this tired and bitchy gal
to come on down!!!

hell i write to be read
its not for the money
hello cause there isnt any!!
its not for the status
cause most of my stuff is pretty damn embarrassing
youll see
its to get it out
whatever IT is
i need to get it out of me
and onto the page
or the screen
and ultimately into you
so please
open your souls
and take me in

stay tuned for
what will be a new change here
with memoirs of the week
i'm waiting for my editrix
the great and inspiring jill matrix
youll see her link here too
too friggen lazy to type in the code
I AM A JEWISH AMERICAN PRINCESS
after all

I am falling on the mercy of LA MATRIX to help me put it together
meanwhile
please leave me your comments
suggestions
anything you want to say
im open to ya
darlins

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