Rossi Rant: Back from LA LA land

Monday, April 21

Back from LA LA land

I have survived Los Angeles.

Considering the fact that I drove a car (yep a real car) the entire time I was there, that’s quite a feat.

Hey Manhattanites don’t exactly get a lot of driving time in.

I drive a car once a year, when I rent one from Hertz and drive my best pal and my goddaughter out to Greenport Long Island for a week in the sun.

So it’s safe to say, driving once a year, keeps me a tad rusty at the wheel.

But I rented a cute lil compact thing and spun all over LA.

Went to Santa Monica…(loved the beach hated the people)..

Went to Melrose (loved the shopping hated the people)..

Went to Venice Beach (loved the little houses and the beach, hated the people)..

Went to the gay strip (loved the scenery, hated the people)

Okay..maybe I’m being a tad bitchy here..but I just have a thing against..air heads.. platinum blondes in low riding jeans with white stilettos, steroid induced beef cakes on rental Harley Davidson’s and anyone, I mean anyone who chews gum and drinks cappuccino at the same time…

But there were some good moments…like I said, I dug the beach..thought Venice Beach even had a bit of New York Edge at times…loved my marathon shopping spree: vintage corduroys, Vercaci pleather pants, black stretch pants, two t-shirts and a partridge in a pear treeeee.

Let me tell you about the celeb sightings.. My ex Shelley (long story) took me to a new hip place called Grace..at the table to my left was Greg from “Darma and Greg” and then to my right was Monica from “Friends” who looked spectacularly anorexic and her hubby David Arquette who looked cute but had probably used more hair gel in one night than I have in my entire life.

My fave moment was the limo parked in front of my hotel…out pops the head of Little Richard in full make-up and wild ass wig smiling at me like a crazy cat with his head handing out the window.. I smile back and he says, “HOWYA DOING BABY?!”
I say you look gorgeous darlin
And he says..”Thank you babyyyyyyyy!”

Love that guy.

Met my new baby nephew just born on New Year’s Day who seemed to feel so comfortable in my arms that he crapped every time I held him.

My brother’s wife Dahlia put out enough food for our Passover Seder to feed half of Detroit.

Gefilte Fish, white fish, chicken and matzo ball soup, baked chicken, beef ribs…lots and lots of matzo….

My dad was there so aside from my sister it was the whole family or what’s left of us..It's the first time we’ve all been together for Passover since dinosaurs roamed the earth.

If it weren’t for the fact that my brother has become ultra orthodox and rather preachy about it…it would have all been fabu.

Why is it that when folks take to religion they feel it’s their god given right to drag us all in too?

Sheeesh…you go your way and I’ll go mine and my way entails being able to wear tight leather pants and eat chicken Mcnuggets.

Well actually I can’t eat Mcnuggets on my diet,, but if I weren’t on a diet I would.

Well actually they make me ill but if they didn’t make me ill I would.

Anyway…my fave part of LA was driving all round in that little compact. I even parallel parked..I did I did I did
Okay the spot was big enough to pull a train into but I did it damn it and I want some applause here.

So okay I’ll sum it up like this: LA is a fabulous place to get tan, buy a house for the price of a one bedroom apartment in Manhattan, drive up and down the street with your windows down blaring rock&roll, buy second hand pleather pants, eat cheese fries at one in the morning, see so many celebrities that you get bored seeing celebrities, be in the midst of more gay men then you’ve even seen in one place when it wasn’t gay pride, order coffee alternatives (turns out it was sugar, cream and toffee) at Starbucks and basically just walk around acting like your shit doesn’t stink.

Would I move there?

Nah.

Are you nuts?!

I need some edge man!

I didn’t see a single person who looked like they came from the wrong side of the tracks unless you count a few folks who couldn’t afford convertibles.

Plus….the driving was a fun change of pace and all, but I think a city has got to be one that can be walked across. I can drag my ass out of bed in the morning and cover Manhattan by night-fall. Now that’s a city.

Further more their cabs weren’t yellow. They were blue.

That’s just wrong.

07:38 PM Speak (7)