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Tuesday, February 25 Doctor Love
I have taken the plunge left the world of "if you've got a headache take 35 aspirins and go out dancing" it was something about having allergy attacks every day since the fall of 2,001 (hmm coincidence or ...something dangerously toxic in the downtown nyc air that still lingers in my sinuses hmmm...conspiracy theory number 313 here...but I don't want mel gibson playing my part, I’d prefer Courtney love) anyway, I finally got tired of looking like the blonde Jewish version of rudolph the red nosed reindeer and called up the doctor my pal joanna has been telling me is an "absolute genius and I must call him!” for years now doctor love ( I changed his name here so sue me)...as it turns out cured Joanna's mom of hardening of the arteries..amongst other things and seems to have changed joanna from a voluptuous beauty to a well trimmed amazon....beauty although I do like a little meat on my birds...but I digress anyway I was warned that one can not go to see doctor love until one is ready for a complete life makeover "I was just getting used to the old one...achoooo!" On my first visit, I sat through a lengthy question and answer session by Love accompanied by his elderly Cuban doctor associate, Doctor Anna who supplies the conventional medicine degrees to satisfy uptight folks and insurance companies. I knew I was in the right place the second I saw the doctor. He looks like he could be the older uncle of Steven Segal minus a few workouts, ponytail and all and prefers to do his doctor work wearing work-out gear as opposed to medical whites. "So tell me about your sexual appetite...what does it feel like, "he asked. "Huh." Maybe the guy had heard about me?? “If feels like I’m a 5 foot six rabbit! What do you think?! I thought but said instead…well it is sometimes strong.” “When was the last time you did any drugs?’ “Oh that would be the last time anyone asked a bar band to play Freebird.” Anyway, Doctor Love asked me more questions than Barbara Walters asked Castro and then Doctor Anna put through me a sort of Chinese medicine check-up that entailed her touching a part on my back and saying, “Oh you’ve been so mis-understood mamita.” I felt like I was being coddled by a Cuban Doctor Ruth and wanted to hire her to be my grandmother immediately. Anyway they weren’t done with me yet. I was then sent to have my blood and urine tested (separate vials) and had to wait two weeks while they analyzed the results. Sheeesh!!! Are you following me here? So yesterday was D-day. The good doctor sat me down to tell me just how lousy my system is. The good news is I’ve got nearly flawless cholesterol! …and a great set of…personality! The bad news is, my adrenals are shot, my immune system is caplooey, my digestive system has got more acid in it than a grateful dead concert and my pancreas is ready for a vacation to the motherland. Oh and here’s the part I love. My reward for quitting smoking 14 years ago?? Evident ally due to the elements, shallow breathing, my environment…(.a few more conspiracy theories or two..here) I’ve got as much carbon dioxide in my system as someone who smokes a pack a day!! Light me up baby! Might as well start smoking right ^%$#^ now!!! Anyway, naturally I was wondering what was the cause of all my problems. “Stress,” Doctor Love said. Oh well that’s nothing. It’s certainly going to be easy to remove the stress from my life. After all what could be stressful about living in Manhattan and working as a caterer for large scale weddings??! Then he said it; the worst sentence that could ever come out of somebody’s mouth, far worse than anything I could have possibly imagined, “You will have to stop drinking coffee.” AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! Why Meeeeeeeeee! Why meeeeeee! Doesn’t anyone here remember Nancy Kerrigan? Doctor Love showed me a list of the herbal supplements and vitamins he wanted me to take 3 times a day for the next 8 weeks. I figured all I had to do was run out take a quick doctorate level course in chemistry and I’d be able to understand that list pronto. Then came the next wallop: No alcohol, no sugar, no red meat, no cow products; (cheese, milk, ice cream, you get it), no corn, no fried foods, no soy sauce..oh the list goes on and on dearies. Basically for the next 8 weeks I’m gonna be downing mountains of pills and nasty tasting things from eyedroppers, whilst rolling around in a bed of crystals listening to Enya and barking at the moon. Awoooooooooooo! To tell you the truth if any of my pals told me they were doing this, I’d laugh myself silly. Speaking of silly, there is one fringe benefit to all this stuff, whilst in the first 4 to 5 days of detox one experiences a mild euphoric state. In other words chickitees, I’m stoned immaculate! Yep…I is wasted on herb…and not the illegal kind. As to me becoming a new age Wicca priestess and dancing naked round the fire…..?? I’ll keep you posted.
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